Words of Wisdom


The Party…

Steeple – Warforged Artificer
Uriah Poole – Human Mage
Kaleel Knifefoot – Dwarven Ranger
Sicarius – Dwarven Rogue
Romani – Changeling Vampire
Thrak – Half-Orc Battlepriest
Lupos – Longtooth Shifter Barbarian
Minyin – Goblin Bard
Shi’eir – Tiefling Warlock

Quotes


DM – The vampire can use one of your healing surges during an extended rest to gain double his surge value in health back.
Uriah – Does he actually have to feed on one of us?
DM – Yes, but there’s some hypnosis involved, so it’s not gay.

***

Uriah – So if i made up some punch cards and fed them to you could I make you do stuff?
Steeple – No, but if you hand me a card I’ll punch you.
Uriah – That doesn’t sound good.
Steeple – Let’s try it.

***

Kaleel – Ok, we’re going to sing while we walk.
Group – Ugh…
Kaleel – Ok, we’re NOT going to sing while we walk.

***

Romani – I tear the heads off of everything I kill. Just to be safe.
Uriah – That’s a sound policy.

***

DM – What are you going to do? Roll up on their village at 2 AM and be like, “Let us in?”
Steeple – Yeah, cause if they’re rude the mage is gonna burn their village to the ground, at which point both he and I will be able to see without darkvision.

***
Kaleel – What’s a waterskin do?
DM – Holds water.
Kaleel – Oh.
DM – Or more likely wine. Cause it doesn’t go bad like water does.
Steeple – Doesn’t it turn into vinegar?
DM – …that’s not how water works.

***
DM – Remember, everything you say is considered a contract, so anything you agree to, you have to do. You’ll be magically bound.
Sicarius – Ok. I’m going to agree to go kill the Yuan-Ti she wants me to kill.
Romani – Yes. All the Yuan-Ti. I will kill all the Yuan-Ti.
DM – You just agreed to genocide of an entire race.
Romani – Did I? Well, I’m immortal so I can do that.
DM – You need to stop talking!

***

Uriah – He needs to say something that destroys the contract because it’s contradictory.
Steeple – Agree to build a trap that’s so complex you couldn’t even have built it.

***

Romani – I need to feed on something. Perhaps some villagers.
Uriah – I could summon a creature and you could eat that.
Romani – Oh, that might work.
Uriah – How about a magma beast. I can summon a magma beast.
Romani – Ooh, no. Sounds spicy.

***

Romani – I am in bat form. I will scout the area then come back to tell them what I see.
DM – Do any of you speak bat?
Steeple – Did you see enemies? Flitter once for yes, twice for no.
Romani – <FLLLT>
Steeple – There’s enemies.
DM – Holy sh*t, you do speak bat!

***

Steeple – The mage is taking notes.
Romani – He’s going to work on an expose of me. He’ll reveal himself to be Van Helsing and at the end of the adventure he will stake me.
Uriah – Eh…depends on how close to leveling I am.
***

DM – Are you bounty hunters?

Khaleel – We do what we do. But since you’re a fellow dwarf I’ll tell you. Yes. Yes we are.
***

Steeple
 – Wait ,she already attacked!
Uriah – No, she made that other chick attack as a minor action.
Steeple – What! This is BS. I’m gonna make Sicarius attack as a minor action.
Uriah – Yeah, the problem with that is Sicarius just doesn’t listen when we tell him to do stuff.
***

DM
 – Not everybody is strength based.
Khaleel – Yeah! It’s not the size that matters!
Steeple – said the dwarf.
***

Sicarius
 – I’m not going to the back if he’s going to fireblast the room.
DM – He’s a 4th edition wizard. You’re gonna take 20 damage tops.
Sicarius – I only have like 55 hit points.
DM – See? You’ll be fine.
***

DM
 – Warforged, 18 reflex.
Steeple – 21. My reflex can buy alcohol. Your attack can only buy cigarettes.
DM – Ok…warforged, 17.
Uriah – if the 18 didn’t hit…
DM – Ok…warforged, 28.
Steeple – Whoa. Ok. That hit. That attack gets a discount on it’s car insurance.
***

DM
 – He was just about to…what is it that rangers do?
Khaleel – Range?
DM – Yes. That’s it. He was just about to range.
***

DM
 – You could try sneaking around and taking out one of the clutch guards.
Romani – I’m gonna wait for the rest of the party.
DM – The clutch guards are all about teamwork. They’re easy on their own. You can take him.
Steeple – Isn’t that the opposite of what the NPC Ranger told us?
DM – …that guy’s a liar.

***

Uriah – I don’t pay attention to Dwarven politics. It’s all so short sighted.

***

DM – Does everyone remember what I said about having your actions ready on your turn?
Thrak – I had my actions ready, but then you stuck me in a tree.

***

DM – Did you pick up any rituals?
Thrak – No. Wait, do you mean on this guy or the last guy?
DM – This guy.
Thrak – Oh. No.

***

Uriah – We need to find you guys a doctor because you might be contagious and I can’t keep drinking this potion because I already drank it.

***

DM – You return to Langstrom.
Uriah – You mean New Harkleton.
DM – Right.
Thrak – And by New Harkleton you mean Mils Post.
DM – Right.
Uriah – And by mills post you mean, “A hellhole in the swamp”.
DM – I said New Harkleton.

***

DM – The poison is turning you into an abomination serving Zahir.
Kaleel – Ugh. This is why I hate snakes.

***

Uriah – (Referring to the dwarf and the vampire) These two are also sick.
DM – That one seems particularly pale. How far along is he?
Uriah – …about 300 years.

***

Thrak – So, what is this scene we’ve stumbled upon?
DM – This is the place you were specifically looking for.
Sicarius – So, what is this scene we’ve “intentionally” stumbled upon?

***

DM – These guys disappear.
Khaleel – They can’t do that! They’re werewolves. They can’t go out in the daytime. Wait, is it daytime?
DM – It is daytime, those are were-rats, not werewolves, and obviously you know nothing about either.

***

DM – Let’s see what’s happening now…Aw! I got lore all over the place.

***

Khaleel – Do we have any potions or magic items that can save these guys from Lycanthropy?
Uriah – Yes. A headsman’s axe.
Khaleel – You’re a terrible man.
Uriah – Hey, I can’t just leave someone to this disease! Plus his head is worth 25 gold.

***

DM – They call themselves, ‘The Thieves’.
Khaleel – That’s very original.
DM – Well, actually, ‘The Swamp Thieves’.
Khaleel – …ok.

***

Khaleel – Here, you get this encounter power back.
Thrak – No. I don’t.
Khaleel – Why?
Thrak – This is the same encounter.
Khaleel – What?! How is this the same encounter?
Sicarius – Because you’re idiots.

***

DM – You actually disarmed a trap with your hammer…

***

DM – Not only is the chest empty, there’s no bottom and there’s a ladder leading down!
<Khaleel and Thrak> – Ah-ha!
Khaleel – Clearly we’ve found a treasure hole!

***

DM – These are…what? Stalactites? Stalagmites? Whatever.
Thrak – Stalagmites has a ‘G’ so they’re in the ground. Stalactites has a ‘C’ so they come from the ceiling.
DM – Uh-huh. Also, f*ck you.

***

(Talking to the Were-rat)
Thrak – What if we offered you a large amount of cheese?
Were-rat – I eat regular food.
Uriah – If by regular food you mean children! Actually that’s not a bad idea, children are probably tasty.
Were-rat – I don’t eat children! I care for them.
Thrak – What I’m hearing is you don’t like cheese.

***

Uriah – Eating a banana is like mouth rape.
DM – Wait is that mouth rape with a banana?
Thrak – Isn’t all mouth rape with a banana?

***

Kaleel – I put paper in there! Paper is recyclable!
Thrak – And plastic.
Kaleel – Plastic is recyclable!
DM – I don’t think paper towels are recyclable.
Kaleel – I didn’t put paper towels in it.
Sicarius – Wait. Paper towels aren’t recyclable?
DM – I…actually, I don’t know.

***

(Repeated line)
Uriah – Uriah! The unhelpful mage!

***

Romani – Rolling for damage. And I do…7?
DM – Is that a question?

***

Uriah – I’m gonna hypnotize that wolf underwater.
DM – No.
Uriah – Aw.
DM – Well, it’s hard to hypnotize something underwater. He can’t see your hands waving or the flashy lights.
Uriah – Dammit!
DM – It’s just physics, dude.

***

Romani – I’m going to turn into a bat and hide.
Thrak – No! Go kill that evil mage!
Romani – I’m pretty badly hurt. I’m gonna turn into a bat and hide.
DM – Use your second wind.
Romani – That’s not enough. I’m pretty hurt.
DM – So, what are you going to do?
Romani – Well first I’m going to turn into a bat. And then I’m going to hide.

***

DM – Your regen actually kept you from going unconscious.
Romani – No it didn’t.
DM – It did. It’s like 3 a round.
Romani – No, it’s not.
DM – It’s based on your constitution.
Romani – Oh, man, it’s even worse than I thought!

***

Kaleel – 600 calories isn’t a lot.
Thrak – No, it isn’t.
Kaleel – It’s like a chicken breast.
Thrak – It’s like half a chicken breast.
Romani – Well, it’s three hot dogs…

***

DM – They can all hear you masturbating through your MC Hammer pants, but only I can see it.

***

DM – The wolf attacks you!
Romani – Why?! I’m a monster, too!

***

Kaleel – Are you drawing a Swastika?
DM – Yes. Yes, I am.
Uriah – Well, then you’re doing it wrong.

***

Romani – Are there any bad guys by themselves?
DM – Just you.
Romani – I’m not a bad guy!
DM – Have you met yourself? You collect heads.
Romani – No I don’t!
DM – Oh, right, my bad. You just rip the heads off of people. It’s not a fetish, just a quirk.

***

Uriah – Somehow during our battle he transported us to several different planes. Still not sure how he pulled that off…
Thrak – We suspect he used magic.

***

DM – So, do you have the ear rings?
Uriah – No. We were just saying we’ve seen this symbol.
DM – Well, I don’t know why you’re so interested…
Uriah – Just being good citizens.
Thrak – And by good citizens we mean “seeing earrings, leaving them behind and then telling people where they are” apparently.
DM – So you DID see the ear rings?
Thrak – Er…no.

***

Kaleel – You were tied up for your own safety!
DM – The only thing I was in danger from was you!
Thrak – And tying you up made you safe!
Uriah – It wasn’t our fault!
Thrak – It never is…

***

Kaleel – Tell Horne I’m sorry, and now he knows about getting tied up and next time he sees us to say, you know, hey.
Sicarius – Hey!
Kaleel – And to use his words. And now, I bid you good day.
DM – Before you go-
Kaleel – I said Good Day!

***

Kaleel – Who is this we’re talking to?
DM – Kenan.
Uriah – The mayor.
DM – The one who got burned.
Kaleel – So…should we kill him?

***

Thrak – So the warring houses are the Ingali and the Denali?
DM – Yes.
Thrak – If you’re going to have a Hatfield-McCoy type situation you should make their names less similar.
DM – I have my reasons.
Thrak – This is going to cause some “Three’s Company” style confusion later.

***

Romani – I’m surprised I don’t read Eladrin since I used to be one.
DM – You have to use a feat to remember those things when you become a changeling.
Romani – I took that feat!
DM – Yes, but I changed it for other feats.
Romani – It’s really surprising because I used to be a diplomat…

***

DM – Wow. I actually created a scientific name for this stuff…
Uriah – Nerd.

***

Romani – Are you sure?
DM – I’m positive.
Uriah – I’m HIV positive. Oh, wait…

***

DM – Are you hiding?
Kaleel – Well, I’m staying out of their…eyesight.
Lupos – That’s hiding.

***

Kaleel – I look for the road…18.
DM – You don’t need to roll.
Minyin – It’s a giant highway.
DM – With signs. And it’s well traveled. Which negates your need to roll.

***

Gypsy NPC – You travel towards Great Danger. But you are Great Danger…
Kaleel – What do you mean by that?
Gypsy NPC – …You make poor decisions.

***

Romani – Have you ever seen a dwarf naked?

***

DM – Be gone, Harlot!
Romani – Harlot? My ass! I have a 19 Charisma!
DM – And he has a 5 charisma. So he’s still an asshole.
Romani – Yeah, but I’m hot…

***

Romani – This is the worst 19 Charisma ever. Unless the DM is keeping me from murdering this guy as a plot point.
DM – You can still murder him.
Minyin – But only within the bounds of the plot.

***

Lupos – He’s like a Dwarf with Down’s Syndrome who had a stroke…

***

Kaleel – Lupos, eh?
Minyin – He’s part dog.
Kaleel – Oh yeah? Hey, Lupos! Woof. Bark. Arf!
Minyin – You have a terrible dog accent.
Kaleel – I don’t speak dog. I’m a dwarf.
Lupos – You barely speak dwarf.

***

Romani (disguised as a woman) – M’Lord, let me-
DM – It’s a lady.
Romani – Ah. M’Lady…er, fellow vagina wielder…

***

Romani – Someone please roll me a D10.
DM – 10.
Romani – Really? Great! So, 22 points of damage. No, wait! He’s bloodied! He’s bloodied, right?
DM – Yes.
Romani – Yes! He takes EXTRA damage. So…23.

***

Uriah – I’m sorry, I’m going to have to join the Denali because they’re all about racial purity.
DM – Well, they are breeding with Devils.
Uriah – Dammit!
Minyin – Sorry there’s no KKK for you to join.
Uriah – No! It’s the most upsetting thing about my character. I just want to feel like I belong to something…

***

DM – Do I get an attack of opportunity?
Uriah – Uh, no. I have a feat.
DM – Ok.
Minyin – Everyone remember that. We all have a feat so he can’t attack us.
Uriah – No, really. I have a staff feat that makes it so he can’t do that.
Lupos – Sure you do. We all have that.

***

Uriah – So we have a Romanian, a Russian and a Scotsman?
DM – You’re Romanian?
Uriah – No! The vampire…
DM – Oh! Wait, is that the voice he’s doing?

***

(Talking to the Sorcerer NPC)
Uriah – You can deal with a few devils, right? You’re a powerful magic-user.
DM – I’m a sorcerer.
Uriah – Ugh. Sorcerers.
DM – See! This is what I have to deal with! You wizards all look down your noses at us!
Uriah – It’s not our fault! Why don’t you open a book, you loser!
DM – I’m too busy doing your mom!
Uriah – Hey! Dorothy Poole is a nice lady!

***

Lupos – I’m going to Aggressive Lunge. Wait, does it matter that the spider is on top of Uriah?
DM – No.
Lupos – Okay, I’m aggressively lunging.
Uriah – No! This is the devil’s threesome!

***

DM – You weren’t here for the guy that ripped his own skin off and bled acid.
Uriah – Nice!
DM – I’m just saying, that guy used to be a regular person!

***

Lupos – It’s a boulder?
Kaleel – What’s it bolder than?

***

Kaleel – Is acid a poison?
DM – No. It’s…it’s an acid.

***

DM – You take 15 points of damage.
Uriah – My Iron Cohort stands in and takes that for me.
DM – Aw. Can he be poisoned?
Uriah – I don’t see why not.
DM – He’s Poisoned!

***

Uriah: You bang the witch while I steal everything in the store.
Romani: Wait, what kind of witch is she? Like Mila Kunis before she turned green in Oz?
Uriah: What do you care? You’re dead.
***

Romani
: I just want to remind you guys that I have a high charisma. Just in case you forgot.
***

Uriah
: Our plan is to make a cold war hot. Not get ourselves killed.
DM: I don’t know, it could be hilarious…
***

DM
: Romani is a real vampire so his junk doesn’t work.
Uriah: We’ll just tie a stick to it!
DM: Ah, sticks. The original viagara.
***

DM
: The witch is somewhere between 35 and 100. Her skin is unblemished and her hair is more silver than gray. She looks much younger than she should. You aren’t sure how she managed that, but you suspect witchcraft.
Minyin: We suspected that when you told us we were going to see the witch.
***

DM
: These guys are high. The lizard man is making a noise at you. You suspect he’s trying to coo like a pigeon, but he’s a lizard man so he’s having a hard time.
Minyin: We should kill him.
Uriah: Yeah. I hate pigeons.
***

DM
: It’s a good thing you have the power of the cosmos at your fingertips because your diplomacy is terrible.
***

DM
: So you take 6D10…28…plus 13…41 damage.
Lupos: Wow. I had 35 hit points.
DM: Yes! One down! Vampire?
Romani: Damn!
DM: Yeah?
Romani: Well, I’m bloodied.
DM: Ugh…
***

 

DM: It’s his turn! And he can move! I’m going to…what am I going to do to you?
***

DM
: She saves.
Kaleel: Prove it.
DM: It’s an 18.
Kaleel: Dammit.
***

Minyin
: That’s the longest string of words he’s ever put together that didn’t include ‘cock’, ‘balls’ or ‘ass’.
***

Uriah
: I’m way hurt.
Kaleel: What are you down from 56 to 55?
Uriah: Actually, no. He didn’t hit me yet.
Kaleel: We should all play wizards.
***

Romani
: I’m dead and I’m going to play Neverwinter.
DM: You’re not dead.
Romani: I have a “go do something else” buff.
DM: But you’re not dead.
Romani: Don’t underestimate the power of the buff!
***

Kaleel
: Am I still immobilized?
DM: Yes.
Kaleel: This game is so stupid.
***

Kaleel
: There’s no way I’m going to hit that guy. I quit. I’m just done. Wait. I have this. But I still have to roll to hit him. F*ck it. I’m done.
***

DM
: You take 17, and then you take 16 and then…
Lupus: I’m down.
DM: Yes!
Lupus: I liked it better when that guy was banished.
***

Romani
: I take damage just from standing next to her?
DM: Fire damage.
Romani: She’s a suicide bomber!
***

Romani: I don’t think it’s fair that I take damage from her on my turn and then damage form her on her turn. That’s double jeopardy!

***

Uriah: Were those spiders that attacked us natural?
DM: Not all of them. The phase spiders weren’t. And the face rape spiders weren’t natural.
Minyin: There’s nothing natural about a face-rape spider.
***

Minyin
: The DM is over there googling how to defeat a magic circle.
DM: There has to be a way.
Uriah: This is the first time we’ve ever had a plan!
Minyin: You have successfully a) gotten us to use rituals. Which we’ve never done. And b) to come up with a plan. Which we’ve also never done before. Why are you trying to screw us now?
Uriah: That’s true!
DM: Fine! It’s the next day…
***

Kaleel
: Wait, I’m adding this to my initiative?
DM: Yes.
Minyin: So me and Uriah were the only ones to roll our initiative properly?
Uriah: Shi’eir has an excuse. Because he’s never been here before. He’s new.
Kaleel: I’m new, too!
Minyin: You’ve been here for a month!
Kaleel: But we’ve never rolled our own initiative before!
Minyin: That…is a fair point.
***

DM
: Ok, the ogre is dead. But I hit Uriah! You all saw that!
***

Minyin
: We are now doing a third thing we’ve never done before. We used rituals, we came up with a plan. And now we’re showing restraint.
DM: Madness…
***

DM
: You feel like you could hit him. But not with a 15.
Uriah: That’s a 25.
DM: Oh…
Kaleel: I think I just saw part of the DM die a little.
***

DM
: What is your goal here, exactly?
Uriah: Make money?
Minyin: Sow chaos?
DM: …
Minyin: We are literally the underpants gnomes. We have no idea what step two is.