The Rescue Mission


Travis: Is it 1-2-3-Go! Or is it 1-2-Go!

Toad: Are we going on 3 or on 4?

Calan: It’s 1-2-Go!

Travis: No that’s wrong. It’s 1-2-3-Go!

Toad: So on 4?

Calan: We’re counting the 3?

DM: What the hell are you guys doing?

*

Travis: Let’s light them on fire…

Toad: Yes, because the only thing I can think of that’s worse than the skeleton standing up and kicking the sh*t out of me is the skeleton standing up and kicking the sh*t out of me while he’s on fire.

*

JD: Is your bee dead?

Brandon: It’s not a bee, it’s a celestial being. A bombardier beetle.

JD: You said Celestial Bee.

Brandon: Celestial B. It’s a Celestial Being. It’s a bombardier bee-

JD: Is your bee dead?

*

Brandon: How many hit points do you have now?

Travis: 5.

Brandon: I can throw you an orange potion of…something.

*

JD: How many first level spells do I have with the bonus?

Travis: One more than you think you have now.

JD: I don’t know how many I think I have now…

*

JD: I got two words for you…Jaret!

*

JD: What did that guy do to me? 5 points of damage? He needs to hit the weight pile. I can flex my muscles at people and do 5 points of damage.

*

Travis: Invisibility’s an illusion. Your brain tells you it’s not there.

JD: What if you had sonar? Like a bat?

Travis: Then you could see it.

JD: So bats don’t have a brain?

*

Brandon: How much is a portable ram? Not the animal kind.

(later)

Brandon: How much is 100 goats?

*

Toad: What’s the name of the other thieves guild again?

JD: What are you, back to the story?

*

JD: We got like 1000 gold pieces sunk into this wagon…by the way, we fight to the death for this wagon.

*

JD: It’s probably best if I don’t summon monkeys frivolously.

*

JD: You’re a rogue?

Travis: Be a rogue that can actually do rogue stuff.

Hollis: What?
Travis: Like climbing and tumbling.

Toad: They’re mad because I don’t climb or tumble.

Hollis: Ah.

JD: So be a good rogue.

Toad: If you want something to climb and tumble summon your celestial monkey!

*

DM: How close are you getting?
JD: At what range did John get grabbed? Cause I’m going one foot shy of that.

*

Brandon: So, elves usually sneak around and follow you through the forest so I’m gonna stop and yell “Hey, I got your book!”

*

JD: Quit asking about the wagon cause it just makes Ben roll dice. From now on it’s just assumed.

*

(JD hates an NPC, but doesn’t know his name, and thus has dubbed him Lucien)

JD: I’m going to give up my hold Lucien spell, since we’re so far away from town.

DM: What are you going to do if you run into him?

Travis: He’s gonna be like, “Wait! I need to rememorize a spell! Hold Lucien!”

John: The dude’s gonna be like, “Who’s Lucien?”

JD: Then I’ll hit him in the mouth with my hammer.

*

Travis: I Smash-ity!

(rolls)

Travis: …a 7.

JD: You miss-ity.

*

Calan: Do you have a plan?

JD: I have a plan.

Calan: Does it involve monkeys?

JD: Most likely.

*

John: Hey, how many of those can you bring?

Calan: Well, I have 4 of them. So I could bring…up to…4.

*

Todd: We’re not talking about good vs. evil.

John: No, we’re talking about law vs. chaos.

Todd: Piking heads is against the law!

John: No its not.

Todd: Where the f*ck do you live?

*

John: I put on the ring.

DM: You feel a little light on your feet…

Hollis: Uh-oh…ring of lifestyle change.

Todd: You are no longer a straight cleric.

*

Hollis: That’s it? That’s all I can do?

Travis: Your first action is to break the pin, your second action is to stand up.

Hollis: What about my third action? To scream like a b*tch?

Todd: You can take that as a free action.

*

Travis: Why don’t we just kill the boatman and take his job?

John: Yeah, that’s a great idea. Hey, we see you need a new boatman!

Todd: Yeah, the…uh…six of us…will take that job.

John: Show us to your armory!

*

Hollis: If we rescue this guy we’ll have made a powerful friend.

Eli: The guy that just got overthrown?

Hollis: Yeah…

Eli: And we’re going to save him from the guys that overthrew him?

Hollis: Yes.

Eli: By Definition that makes us more powerful than him.

*

(After a long discussion about the f*cked up way Travis keeps his experience points)

Todd: You should keep your xp like a normal person.

Eli: From now on I’m keeping all my xp, dividing it by pi…

Ben: You should keep it in Radians.

Todd: From now on I’m keeping Pac-Man xp. I need two cherries and an apple and I’ll be fifth level.

*

(While invading the seer castle)

Brandon: I bet each seer has his own elemental.

Ben (DM): Oh, I bet they’re completely harmless.

*

John: It’s a shame we have to kill these guys. They’re worthy foes.

Todd: Uh…we invaded this tower, so…

John: No, no. We’re on a rescue mission!

Todd: Is that what you’ve been telling yourself?

*

Ben: Confusion’s terrible because you have no control when that spell hits you.

Brandon: You babble incoherently…

Travis: Attack the nearest creature…

Brandon: Flee from the caster at ½ speed…

Travis: Have random moments of Lucidity. Basically, it turns you into a woman.

*

Travis: How are we going to kill these guys?

Brandon: Let’s let them take us to the seers, we’ll say something witty and kill them.

Ben: Use your Arnold voice and say, “I have to axe you a question.”

*

Eli: Did we not save him?

Group: Yeah!

Eli: Did we not bleed for him?

Group: Yeah!

Eli: Did we not die for him?

Group: Yeah!

Eli: And he gives us nothing? I say we go give him some of the stabbity!

*

Travis: See, it’s thinking like that that causes cults to spring up…

*

JW: It takes 8 hours to identify things. We’ll wait with him.

Brandon: For 8 hours?! That’s so boring!

Todd: …says the magic user.

Brandon: I don’t cast spells that take 8 hours.

*

Travis: The good news is we’ll get to ride in our wagon again.

Todd: Assuming no one stole it.

Travis: We’ve only been gone a day and a half.

Todd: And surely it would take weeks to steal that wagon, what with the wheels and the team of horses and all…

*

JW: Pelor will protect us!

Eli: Great, you just pulled the religion card.

DMYou’re a cleric!

Travis: Yes, but he’s a cleric of a deity that isn’t stupid.