The Rescue Mission

Travis: Is it 1-2-3-Go! Or is it 1-2-Go!

Toad: Are we going on 3 or on 4?

Calan: It’s 1-2-Go!

Travis: No that’s wrong. It’s 1-2-3-Go!

Toad: So on 4?

Calan: We’re counting the 3?

DM: What the hell are you guys doing?


Travis: Let’s light them on fire…

Toad: Yes, because the only thing I can think of that’s worse than the skeleton standing up and kicking the sh*t out of me is the skeleton standing up and kicking the sh*t out of me while he’s on fire.


JD: Is your bee dead?

Brandon: It’s not a bee, it’s a celestial being. A bombardier beetle.

JD: You said Celestial Bee.

Brandon: Celestial B. It’s a Celestial Being. It’s a bombardier bee-

JD: Is your bee dead?


Brandon: How many hit points do you have now?

Travis: 5.

Brandon: I can throw you an orange potion of…something.


JD: How many first level spells do I have with the bonus?

Travis: One more than you think you have now.

JD: I don’t know how many I think I have now…


JD: I got two words for you…Jaret!


JD: What did that guy do to me? 5 points of damage? He needs to hit the weight pile. I can flex my muscles at people and do 5 points of damage.


Travis: Invisibility’s an illusion. Your brain tells you it’s not there.

JD: What if you had sonar? Like a bat?

Travis: Then you could see it.

JD: So bats don’t have a brain?


Brandon: How much is a portable ram? Not the animal kind.


Brandon: How much is 100 goats?


Toad: What’s the name of the other thieves guild again?

JD: What are you, back to the story?


JD: We got like 1000 gold pieces sunk into this wagon…by the way, we fight to the death for this wagon.


JD: It’s probably best if I don’t summon monkeys frivolously.


JD: You’re a rogue?

Travis: Be a rogue that can actually do rogue stuff.

Hollis: What?
Travis: Like climbing and tumbling.

Toad: They’re mad because I don’t climb or tumble.

Hollis: Ah.

JD: So be a good rogue.

Toad: If you want something to climb and tumble summon your celestial monkey!


DM: How close are you getting?
JD: At what range did John get grabbed? Cause I’m going one foot shy of that.


Brandon: So, elves usually sneak around and follow you through the forest so I’m gonna stop and yell “Hey, I got your book!”


JD: Quit asking about the wagon cause it just makes Ben roll dice. From now on it’s just assumed.


(JD hates an NPC, but doesn’t know his name, and thus has dubbed him Lucien)

JD: I’m going to give up my hold Lucien spell, since we’re so far away from town.

DM: What are you going to do if you run into him?

Travis: He’s gonna be like, “Wait! I need to rememorize a spell! Hold Lucien!”

John: The dude’s gonna be like, “Who’s Lucien?”

JD: Then I’ll hit him in the mouth with my hammer.


Travis: I Smash-ity!


Travis: …a 7.

JD: You miss-ity.


Calan: Do you have a plan?

JD: I have a plan.

Calan: Does it involve monkeys?

JD: Most likely.


John: Hey, how many of those can you bring?

Calan: Well, I have 4 of them. So I could bring…up to…4.


Todd: We’re not talking about good vs. evil.

John: No, we’re talking about law vs. chaos.

Todd: Piking heads is against the law!

John: No its not.

Todd: Where the f*ck do you live?


John: I put on the ring.

DM: You feel a little light on your feet…

Hollis: Uh-oh…ring of lifestyle change.

Todd: You are no longer a straight cleric.


Hollis: That’s it? That’s all I can do?

Travis: Your first action is to break the pin, your second action is to stand up.

Hollis: What about my third action? To scream like a b*tch?

Todd: You can take that as a free action.


Travis: Why don’t we just kill the boatman and take his job?

John: Yeah, that’s a great idea. Hey, we see you need a new boatman!

Todd: Yeah, the…uh…six of us…will take that job.

John: Show us to your armory!


Hollis: If we rescue this guy we’ll have made a powerful friend.

Eli: The guy that just got overthrown?

Hollis: Yeah…

Eli: And we’re going to save him from the guys that overthrew him?

Hollis: Yes.

Eli: By Definition that makes us more powerful than him.


(After a long discussion about the f*cked up way Travis keeps his experience points)

Todd: You should keep your xp like a normal person.

Eli: From now on I’m keeping all my xp, dividing it by pi…

Ben: You should keep it in Radians.

Todd: From now on I’m keeping Pac-Man xp. I need two cherries and an apple and I’ll be fifth level.


(While invading the seer castle)

Brandon: I bet each seer has his own elemental.

Ben (DM): Oh, I bet they’re completely harmless.


John: It’s a shame we have to kill these guys. They’re worthy foes.

Todd: Uh…we invaded this tower, so…

John: No, no. We’re on a rescue mission!

Todd: Is that what you’ve been telling yourself?


Ben: Confusion’s terrible because you have no control when that spell hits you.

Brandon: You babble incoherently…

Travis: Attack the nearest creature…

Brandon: Flee from the caster at ½ speed…

Travis: Have random moments of Lucidity. Basically, it turns you into a woman.


Travis: How are we going to kill these guys?

Brandon: Let’s let them take us to the seers, we’ll say something witty and kill them.

Ben: Use your Arnold voice and say, “I have to axe you a question.”


Eli: Did we not save him?

Group: Yeah!

Eli: Did we not bleed for him?

Group: Yeah!

Eli: Did we not die for him?

Group: Yeah!

Eli: And he gives us nothing? I say we go give him some of the stabbity!


Travis: See, it’s thinking like that that causes cults to spring up…


JW: It takes 8 hours to identify things. We’ll wait with him.

Brandon: For 8 hours?! That’s so boring!

Todd: …says the magic user.

Brandon: I don’t cast spells that take 8 hours.


Travis: The good news is we’ll get to ride in our wagon again.

Todd: Assuming no one stole it.

Travis: We’ve only been gone a day and a half.

Todd: And surely it would take weeks to steal that wagon, what with the wheels and the team of horses and all…


JW: Pelor will protect us!

Eli: Great, you just pulled the religion card.

DMYou’re a cleric!

Travis: Yes, but he’s a cleric of a deity that isn’t stupid.