- Shamus – The Dwarven Rogue
- Drawkin – The Dragonborn Sorceress
- Seibolt – The Goliath Runepriest
- Linea -The Half-Elf Ranger
- Zerk – The Half-Orc Fighter
- DM – The Dungeonmaster
- Haloa – The Human Monk (On Sabbatical)
- Lillith – The Changeling Paladin (Retired)
- Thexbas – The Human Wizard (Retired)
And now, on to the quotes:
(After being given dice and then missing 5 straight attacks in one round)
DM: Ok, you need new dice.
Linea: I tried to tell you red isn’t my color!
Zerk: So it’s a blast 5 encounter power? That only hits enemies?
Seibolt: It didn’t hit anybody.
Zerk: So it’s a blast 5 encounter power that theoretically only hits enemies.
Seibolt: Dragon! Two words. Turn. Invisible.
Drawkin: …I can do that?
Linea: What happened to the guy I marked?
DM: He’s in the back.
Linea: He was in the front! How did that happen?
DM: They shifted around him.
Seibolt: That guy is cursed, marked, and bloodied. He decided to hang back.
Zerk: He wants no part of whatever we’re going to do to him next.
Drawkin: Should I attack those guys or should I just hit the door?
Seibolt: How bout people with ranged power attack the things that are ranged…
Linea: I don’t want to waste this, because he said there’s bigger stuff coming.
Seibolt: Don’t listen to him. He’s the DM.
DM: I’m just f*cking with you guys.
Seibolt: Plus, that.
Linea: But look at those elementals! You KNOW there were bigger ones in that set.
Seibolt: That’s what she said.
Zerk: That doesn’t even make sense.
DM: I laugh, but I don’t know why.
Linea: So, that water that was choking you, did you SPIT it out, or did you SWALLOW?
Zerk: Er…most of the party doesn’t care about the answer to this question.
Drawkin: Should I use a daily?
Seibolt: You know, I’m a big fan of BLOWing all my encounter powers first.
Linea: I think he just answered my question.
Linea: I did 26 to that guy and killed him! Everybody saw that, right?
Seibolt: I was prone, so I was looking at the ceiling.
Zerk: I was actually facing the door.
Drawkin: And I’m on the other side of the pool…
Linea: What?! You guys are kidding, right? Dammit!
Drawkin: Should I stay over here, or come over there?
Seibolt: No. Stay there. That way we have the pool flanked.
Linea: I’m almost dead.
Seibolt: That’s a good point. I’m using my other rune of healing on her. Burn a healing surge.
Linea: Well, now I’m almost out of healing surges.
Seibolt: Wow. You just don’t ever stop complaining, do you?
DM: 15 points of damage.
Shamus: Holy sh*t!
DM: And you’re marked.
Shamus: I’d say so! Probably a mark all up one side of my chest.
Haloa: I attack the snake lady.
Seibolt: She’s dead.
Haloa: Then why is her mini still here?
Shamus: For looting. And screenshots.
(The Goliath and the Half-Orc smash down the door)
Shamus: I could have picked that!
Seibolt: Feel free.
Shamus: I could pick it up off of the floor, I guess.
(The party has discovered a dead body)
Seibolt: Dragon! CSI that sh*t! Find out what killed that guy.
Drawkin: I rolled…a 1.
Zerk: She’s not even sure that guy’s dead.
DM: Roll a heal.
DM: You’re the priest?
Seibolt: We’ve been over this. I’m a rune priest.
<DM rolls his eyes>
Seibolt: I can heal the sh*t out of a rune, though.
Shamus: You know, the door was unlocked. We could have just walked in.
Zerk: We did walk in.
Shamus: Yes, but without the…door…mishap.
Linea: You have a really…long, uh thing, and you still missed him?
Seibolt: That’s what she said! No, really. That was her.
Drawkin: I’m going down this hallway.
DM: Are you sure you want to go that way? Bad guys come from there.
(The Half-Orc fighter is afflicted with confusion and has attacked some party members)
Shamus: If you do 17 points of damage to me again I’m breaking out a daily.
Seibolt: I shouldn’t have used my heal in such a spiteful manner.
Zerk: You’re gonna regret that later.
Seibolt: Actually, Shamus is going to regret that later.
Shamus: I regret that NOW.
Shamus: What does vulnerable 5 mean?
Seibolt: It means whatever you put that ability on takes 5 extra damage from every attack.
Shamus: Hell yeah! You know what’s happening next round?
Seibolt: You’re gonna miss?
Shamus: Is that dragon eating that guy’s eye?
Seibolt: You’re the worst nurse ever! Breathe fire on him! Blaaargh! Did that work? No? You! Eat one of his eyes out!
DM: You rolled…an 8.
Drawkin: Oh! I rolled that dice too far.
Seibolt: We never got paid for selling Lillith to that whorehouse.
DM: That’s because she’s not worth anything.
Seibolt: She’s a shape-shifting prostitute!
DM: That would be great, but she always shape-shifts into a Bugbear. Halfway through they’re like, “Oh, yeah baby, oh…Gaaahrgh!”
Seibolt: Hit him with your eternal mountain!
Haloa: No! That’s an encounter power!
Seibolt …this is an encounter!
Thexbas: I never told you but I paid the whorehouse a gold piece to take Lillith off our hands.
Haloa: And where did you get that gold piece?
Thexbas: I…borrowed it from Lillith.
Linea: Is that a little map on the big map?
DM: It is!
Thexbas: It’s a minimap!
Drawkin: Yo, dawg, I heard you like maps…
Seibolt: You get +3 damage during your next attack.
Haloa: Somebody remind me of that…I’m eating a biscuit.
Haloa: Did I get hit again?
Thexbas: You did, but it’s ok because Seibolt says he’s going to heal you. But since no one’s ever seen Seibolt heal anything we’re all a little dubious.
Seibolt: There! Now we have their whole party flanked!
DM: Noooo…you have no one flanked.
Seibolt: I…am not sure how flanking works.
DM: You rolled 5 times and you never declared what you were doing!
Drawkin: I was gonna blow em all up!
DM: You don’t just get to roll until you get something you like and then be like, “This is what I was doing.”
Drawkin: But that’s how *I* play.
Seibolt: That’s how she rolls.
Seibolt: You have dirty thoughts.
Linea: You’re the one with soap all over your crotch.
Seibolt: Because I have clean thoughts.
Seibolt: I know you’re mad that he pimp slapped you, but you deserved it.
Drawkin: Don’t make me use Well of Death on you!
Seibolt: Is Seibolt gonna have to choke a lizard?
Linea: I’m waiting for you to heal me.
Seibolt: But I’m out of heals.
Linea: You just said you found one.
Seibolt: Yeah, but it’s a really good one, and I don’t want to waste it on you.
Haloa: Why hasn’t anybody healed me?
Seibolt: This party’s like a broken record! Heal me! Kill the bad guy! Don’t well of death that Werebear!
Thexbas: But you’re the healer!
Seibolt: Yeah. Well. Still.
DM: I think you’re bloodied.
Drawkin: No! I don’t know. Maybe. What’s 3 plus 17 minus 23 equal?
Seibolt: So, 9 points of damage.
Seibolt: You love that ability.
Linea: I don’t get to be helpful on my turns!
Seibolt: She hasn’t rolled a single hit all night, but she’s done 8 points of damage.
Linea: My co-workers bring me pickles.
Shamus: Like, in tribute?
(The party comes across an NPC stabbing the NPC we were about to question)
Seibolt: Hey, when you’re done with him we need to loot that guy!
Seibolt: I grab my axe before the paladin gets it!
Shamus: She’s not here.
DM: She’s working in a whorehouse now.
Shamus: Hm…whores DO steal things…
DM: If you’re not a true believer the very air will kill you!
Seibolt: Can’t you cast protection from poisoned air?
Drawkin: I can turn invisible…
Thexbas: All that’s gonna do is make it harder to find your corpse.
DM: Which of you is going to roll to haggle with this guy?
Thexbas: Well, we both have a +7.
Shamus: She already rolled.
Thexbas: What did she roll.
DM: A 20.
Thexbas: Then we want her to roll.
Haloa: I’m going back to the magic show where we said we’d meet.
Shamus: I thought we were going all the way around…
Seibolt: No, we’re meeting at the statue.
Thexbas: I should have left a sign saying I’d be back after lunch.
Shamus: Next show at 5 o’clock. Bring a friend.
Thexbas: And a monkey.
Shamus: And silver.
Seibolt: And a cultist.
Drawkin: Did Harvey Dent come back as a dog?
Seibolt: Do you mean Opius Dent?
Shamus: Oh, that guy.
Thexbas: Better known in this universe as “One Face”.
Thexbas: Do dragons have forked tongues?
Thexbas: Best conversation starter ever.
Shamus: They do not!
Seibolt: Here, look at this one…wait, nevermind…it’s gotta mouth full of fire.
Shamus: They don’t have forked tongues.
DM: They have split penises…
Shamus: Yeah, well, everbody knows that.
Shamus: He’s gonna use the mage hand to drop the snake ring off where the guards were standing.
Seibolt: The fate of the universe hangs in the balance and you two are pranking the cops…
Thexbas: He’s a dwarf rogue and I’m a lazy, noble wizard with nothing to do. What did you expect?
Seibolt: This assault is not going…
Shamus: This isn’t an assault. This is a recon mission.
Thexbas: Really? Go ahead and believe that if you want.
Shamus: It’s a recon until Seibolt shows up. Then it’s an assault.
Seibolt: New plan! Sorceress! Dress up as a snake and-
Shamus: That’s not gonna work.
Seibolt: All right. New plan! Monk! Use your psychic ability to read minds and find out where the cult is.
Haloa: I can only use it once per round.
DM: And there’s 400 people here.
Haloa: And it says I can only use it on allies.
Seibolt: All right. New plan! Wizard!
Thexbas: Let’s just go to the bar and ask around.
Seibolt: No! I’m sick of all our plans involving bars. All right. New plan! Wizard! Make an illusion of the snake cult’s symbol over here…
Thexbas: I’m going to the bar.
Shamus: Yeah, that might actually be a better idea. To the bar!
Haloa: Are there really 400 people here?
DM: Sure. There’s some guys preaching, and a bunch of people sitting around listening to them. There’s guys in dark cloaks walking around. Some naked girls talking about the Goddess of love and lust…
Seibolt: There’s naked girls?
Shamus & Thexbas (simultaneous): New Plan!
Haloa: I’m gonna blow my Eternal Mountain on these two minions.
Seibolt: I got the best seat in the house for this!
Seibolt: You hit him so hard a new room appeared!
Seibolt: Where do these stairs go?
Thexbas: They don’t go anywhere. They just sit there.
Seibolt: Every. Freaking. Week.
Shamus: It’s not D&D without it.
DM: You open up a new room!
Lillith: Is there treasure in there? Do you have treasure tiles? What? You have tiles for everything else!
Lillith: Why are they called cobwebs?
Thexbas: They were invented by Ty Cobb.
(The DM Puts down new fancy dungeon tiles)
Lillith: Ooh. Our dungeon is in HD.
Lillith: There’s a distinct lack of TP in here!
Seibolt: There’s a distinct lack of “Give a f*ck” in here.
(The Mage is about to die)
Lillith: Save him!
Shamus: How? I’m a rogue. What do you want me to do, go over there and steal the wraith’s kill?
Thexbas: If nothing else that would confuse the sh*t out of the wraith.
Lillith: I run over and lay hands on the mage.
Lillith: Can I make it all the way over there?
DM: Yes. You run over through here, and lay hands on the mage. How much does that heal for?
Lillith: I don’t know. I don’t have that spell…
DM: So, Lillith runs over and starts fondling the mage…You’re going to die, but enjoy the fondling. What are you doing, mage?
Thexbas: Well, at this point I’m just gonna loosen my robes and go quietly into the night…
Lillith: You’re either going to get healed or die happy.
DM: The wraith exploded, dissolved into mist, and dispersed into the ether.
Seibolt: Also, he’s now vulnerable 2 to any type of damage.
DM: It’s dead…
Seibolt: But still.
DM: You found some gems, gauntlets, a shiny new belt, there’s also…
Shamus: A +2 hammer?
DM: You guys are all just wearing crazy sh*t. You’ve got orbs, a rogue with clubs…
Thexbas: There’s only 3 kinds of wizards, staves, orbs and wands. She’s got a staff, I’ve got an orb, you gave us a wand…
DM: The wand is awesome too, it can fly, it shoots fire…
Thexbas: What the hell is it doing here with us?
Shamus: As soon as we let it go it’s out of here.
Lillith: No! Don’t hit me!
Shamus: You know you’re the tank, right?
Lillith: Still. I’d rather it hit one of you guys than me.
Shamus: You really are the worst tank ever.
DM: The elemental fires at you doing 9 points of damage and you’re on fire! Take an ongoing 5!
Lillith: Dammit! That’s what I get for sassing. That happens to me at work all the time.
Lillith: Man! Next time I need to not get a lich pissed at me.
Haloa: He’s been down here living his life quietly, too.
Lillith: Well, he was ugly anway.
Seibolt: I loot!
Haloa: Yay! Can we have something useful this time?
Shamus: (To the NPC) We seek to restore Pelor! (To the party) Right?
Seibolt: That is…totally…why we’re here. Sure.
DM: Burnheim had an orb that gave him power. He used it to raze the elven kingdoms.
Shamus: Not the Burnheim that hired us. This was an ancestor of his.
Haloa: How do you know that?
Shamus: I’m a dwarf.
DM: I forgot the miniatures, so all the bad guys will be these cheese nips.
Shamus: Can we eat them?
DM: Sure! If you kill them.
Thexbas: Do the most damage or actually get the killing blow?
DM: Killing blow.
Seibolt: Then Drawkin would eat the most.
Shamus: She’ll take hers to go.
Seibolt: Those goblins went right to my hips.
Shamus: The DM’s army is getting all cold. And eaten.
DM: Whose mini is this?
Lillith: That’s me. I’m all bad ass looking…what! Don’t laugh!
(The party has travelled 1000 years into the future and all our equipment is rotted and destroyed)
Lillith: So I’m standing here in my skivvies?
DM: what skivvies? Those were the first thing to rot on you.
Shamus: your skivvies were rotted when we started.
Lillith: Is the kracken still here?
DM: Oh, it’s on the ceiling.
Lillith: The tiny kracken from before is now a giant kracken on the ceiling?
Haloa: Ceiling kracken is watching you…
Lillith: These guys will be distracted by your huge nakedness!
Seibolt: That’s why it’s called a greatsword.
DM: Didn’t you just say you were going to start worshipping pelor?
Lillith: Yeah. In fact, I’m gonna pray naughty things to him right now.
Shamus: Can I kick the Goliath in the nuts?
Lillith: You might be able to head butt him in the nuts…
Shamus: (talking to a guard) What’s the name of this city?
Shamus: So…are you part of homeland security?
Linea: I got this wine from pelor.
Thexbas: He’s the sun god so it’s probably not good wine. He’s a nice guy. Its probably like Bartles and James.
Seibolt: It’s Boone’s.
Thexbas: It’s Pelors Hard Lemonade.
Shamus: A thousand years in the future…I want to meet my great-great-great grandson.
Linea: Wait, how do you have kids?
Shamus: Dwarves do it just like everyone else!
Lillith: Jeez, they don’t pollinate.
Seibolt: Which one is the priest? I challenge him to a priest off!
Thexbas: It’s just an open street?
DM: The locals just call it the dark place.
Lillith: They don’t know that many adjectives.
Seibolt: Has the corpse been looted?
DM: It’s like old and decrepit…
Thexbas: He doesn’t care.
Drawkin: Money doesn’t rot.
Lillith: Touché, my dragon friend.
Seibolt: Really? It took us three minutes to decide to keep doing what we were already doing?
Shamus: To be fair, that’s actually an improvement for us.
Seibolt: We should go down a sidestreet.
Seibolt: He saw something moving.
Seibolt: It could be the well!
Shamus: Or a pail…
Lillith: Yay! More notes! I hope it’s for me.
Thexbas: No notes for you. Ever.
Shamus: Unless it’s from Pelor’s lawyer.
Seibolt: You are not allowed to come within 1 celestial mile of Pelor.
Shamus: You are not allowed to worship a deity within 3 alignments of Pelor.
Seibolt: Nothing from the Sun, Strength, or Protection spheres…wow, Pelor has a good lawyer.
Shamus: It’s probably that werewolf lawyer.
Seibolt: “Your honor, clearly my client is a deity.”
Haloa: I’m gonna use my telepathy. Allows me to convey a message of 10 words or an image to everyone within 10 squares.
Shamus: Wow. You have twitter.
Thexbas: He’s trying to steal your kill, by the way.
Lillith: What the hell?
Lillith: When am I gonna get a note?
DM: When you do something noteworthy.
Lillith: I hate you all. Why do I come here?
(Thexbas has cast an illusion of a dog barking to draw the party’s attention to a dark corner)
Seibolt: Where is that dog?
DM: You see no dog.
Seibolt: Ohhhh. Invisible dogs…
Lillith: I move towards the altar and clear the dust.
Thexbas: She’s cleaning the altar?
Seibolt: To be fair she’s Janessa, so since that was unexpected we expected it.
Linea: So once again I kill something…
Seibolt: And no one was there to see it.
Linea: To be fair if I could have killed it with those rolls…
Seibolt: To be fair, if you killed it, it couldn’t have been that impressive.
(After finding a body stuck to the temple walls with arrows…)
Seibolt: Keep those. Those are good arrows. That’s real marble.
DM: You find a guy in a pope hat with robes.
Lillith: I’m going to search him.
DM: Ok. Roll.
DM: You find a pope hat and robes…
Lillith: What the frik? There’s nothing up here?!
DM: What’s your Ac?
Lillith: Oh crap.
Thexbas: Hey. There’s something.
Shamus – What does Endurance do?
Seibolt – Save vs. Death.
Shamus – Oh. That’s it?
Drawkin – Hey look Ranger. A hole!
Linea – I’ve got a bigger hole than that.
Group – Whoa!
Seibolt – You’re behind me, by the way.
Lillith – No. I’m in front.
Seibolt – Behind me.
Lillith – In front of you.
Seibolt – You can attack from behind me and mark things, and then they can’t attack you. And they take a minus 2 to hit me.
Lillith – I’m totally behind you now. High Five.
Seibolt – High five.
DM – Something brushes against your leg.
Linea – Oh no! What is it?
DM – Hang on…
Lillith – He’s totally getting out the Monster Manual, by the way…
DM – You fell in the pool. Roll a perception check.
Linea – Um….three.
Seibolt – You perceive that you are wet.
Linea – How am I going to escape from the pool?
DM – You can shift, you can run, or you can man up and attack the kracken.
Linea – But rangers fight from a distance!
DM – You have a staff AND a sword.
Linea – That’s for in case I make a mistake!
Shamus – Like falling into a pool?
DM – Make a dungeoneering check.
Shamus – Well, according to my roll we’re in a dungeon.
(The rogue has discovered a secret room and wants the treasure inside for himself)
Lillith – What’s in that secret room?
Shamus – Nothing! There’s nothing in here. Nothing at all. This is, uh, probably where they stored their darkness.
Shamus – Let’s see, there’s 11 bottles of wine…we split the wine evenly. 3 for me, 3 for the mage, 2 for the sorceress, 2 for the monk, and 1 to open.
Drawkin – 3 for the sorceress…
Shamus – We want to open one.
Drawkin – So give 1 to the monk. She doesn’t want it anyway.
Shamus – I’m trying to make it fair.
Drawkin – Then I should get 3! I lit up the room so we could all see it!
Shamus – Yeah, but I didn’t want you to light up the room, so you’re only getting 2.
DM – The goblin jabs his spear at you!
Seibolt – Should I scoff now, or later?
Haloa – We haven’t eaten in days…
Seibolt – No, that’s not true. We ate 3 days ago…
Linea – I should have been using this attack earlier! I killed him!
Seibolt – Wait, did you do something useful?
Lillith – No, because I wasn’t there to see it.
Seibolt – It’s called a kerfuffle.
Shamus – Don’t listen to him. He’s a curmudgeon.
The party is attacked by a ghoul…
Drawkin – Aw, he’s still alive!?
Thexbas – He hasn’t been alive for quite some time.
Shamus – He looks ghoulish…
A ghoul drops on the monk from the ceiling…
Seibolt – Ceiling ghoul is watching you. Actually, ceiling ghoul is EATING you!
Drawkin – I’m gonna die. It was nice knowing you guys.
Seibolt – I…Don’t think you mean that.
Linea – I spent ten minutes telling the monk my plan! She didn’t tell you?
Shamus & Seibolt – the monk is mute!
Lillith – I’m all covered with brains. I wish I was hideous and not so hot.
Linea – You’re a shape shifter. Make yourself hideous.
Lillith – No way! I’m vain. I like being a hot red head.
Lillith – I’m moving over there.
Seibolt – Aren’t you still immobilized?
Lillith – What the hell?!? Whose side are you on?
Seibolt – I’m not coming over there.
Lillith – Get your ass into this fight or I’m gonna skin you alive!
Shamus – She can’t move to you though, she’s still immobile. You’re gonna have to come to her.
Lillith – Dammit!
Lillith – you and I are no longer bffs. I even like the ranger more than you and she’s an elf.
DM – The zombie missed you.
Seibolt – She’s actually flanked by the monk.
DM – Oh yeah. The monk is helping the zombies so he hits you.
Drawkin – What the hell, monk!?
Haloa – I’m just standing here!
Haloa – I’m using Eternal Mountain…
Group – oooooohhhh.
Shamus – It’s in two cards even!
Thexbas – One card isn’t big enough to hold the awesome that is ‘Eternal Mountain’!
DM – Save to determine if the spider biting you interrupted the ritual.
Thexbas – 20!
Shamus – Nice!
Seibolt – You are locked in!
Lillith – Focused.
Linea – His initiative is so low he didn’t notice the spider biting him?
Group – …
Thexbas – We’re going to have to explain to her what initiative is again.
Seibolt – How many people can fit on your disk?
Lillith – I love that question.
Linea – We should ask a troll. They know about bridges.
Thexbas – They know about the bottom of bridges.
Linea – Is anyone here a troll?
Shamus – A couple of people have been trolling this group for a while.
Shamus – I still think we should have checked out the other bridges.
Thexbas – I’d have been content to sit here and wait for someone to check the bridges.
Shamus – They’re probably all in perfect repair, paved in gold…
Thexbas – There’s a guy selling candy on them…
Shamus – And pails of water from the well we can’t find. He’s going, “I’ve been trying to sell these for weeks!”
Thexbas – Also, this key that will teleport you everywhere you want to go!
Shamus – And a book of answers to all the riddles in this quest!
Thexbas – He’s got the orb in his pocket. Does anyone want this?
Lillith – I’m blessing my weapon.
Seibolt – You can’t, you did that last fight. It’s a daily.
Lillith – Why you gotta do that?
Linea – He doesn’t cheat.
Lillith – Lemme cheat! Everybody’s missing!
Shamus – Nobody’s missing. We’re all right here.
Lillith – Wow. We just went off on a tangent.
Shamus – Yeah, that’s new.
Thexbas – So I’m gonna tell you a story. You told us a story, now I’m gonna tell you a story.
Shamus – His story kind of sucked.
Thexbas – Well mine is gonna be better. So anyway, we were in this city- dwarf! What’s the city’s name?
Shamus – I wrote it down…
Thexbas – Doesn’t matter. This Baron-
Shamus – Baron Burnheim
Thexbas – Baron Burnheim hired us to find this orb-
Seibolt – And we did and it took us into the future.
Thexbas – Like a thousand years into the future.
Shamus – Maybe 840 years.
Lillith – This is the best conversation ever.
Lillith – I’m not medium plus. I can shift into whatever.
DM – You can be a size 2 creature.
Shamus – But your mass can’t change so your feet are like huge.
DM – Nature girl! You sense something stalking your group.
Linea – I know who not to tell. The monk!
Shamus – Why? She can tweet it!
Linea – She didn’t when we were with the kracken!
Haloa – I didn’t have that power then!
Linea – Ok.
DM – The priest says, “I think we’re being followed by wolves.”
Linea – So did you tweet that monk?
Haloa – Why? He just told us!
Seibolt – So once again you’re useless.
Haloa – But I can fly…
Thexbas – Maybe this is good. If Uther dies…
Seibolt – I don’t think we want to walk into their town with PARTS of their priest.
Thexbas – We can be all like, “Hey, we found these…”
Lillith – I could make myself look like the priest.
Thexbas – That could work! Oh no wait. Then you’d talk.
Lillith – I could not talk.
Thexbas – No. I don’t think you can.