More 5E Quotes


Party A

  • Xander – Elf Druid
  • Vandal – Dwarf Fighter
  • Phaergoth – Dragonborn Sorcerer
  • Rinn – Elf Fighter

Vandal: In my experience orphans aren’t that hard to kill.
Xander: Or make.

***

Vandal: How far is it to town?
DM: Six days.
Vandal: We stop at all the roadside attractions along the way.
Rinn: World’s biggest ball of 50 foot rope?

***

DM: The town is well lit and smells like…
Xander: Piss?
Vandal: Well, it is full of ghouls and ghouls do smell like piss.
Rinn: And we’re back to racism.
Vandal: I don’t think we ever really left.

***

Xander: I have a plan. It requires one corpse.
Vandal: To be fair, that’s less corpses than most of his plans.

***

DM: You know ghouls are semi-intelligent, right?
Vandal: That’s ok. So are we.

***

Xander: I need an object that I can use to cast Locate Object on. Whatever it is I have to get very familiar with it.
Vandal: I’m not sharing a room with him, am I?

***

Rinn: I’ve talked the druid down from child murder to slaughtering a pig.
Vandal: Wait, what are we doing?

***

DM: It would have been better if you guys had brought a live pig and slaughtered it.
Xander: But who has the butchering skill?
Rinn: None of us.
Vandal: Is that Animal Handling?

***

Phaergoth: Most people don’t know this, but we’re quite famous.

***

DM: This building is the tannery. Actually, that building’s way too small to be a tannery, I just wrote that down without thinking. That building is now a leather shop.

***

DM: This shop has garden tools like hoes, shovels…
Xander: Is there a crowbar?
DM: There is.
Xander: I take the crowbar.
DM: I assume that even though there’s no shopkeeper present you’re going to leave the money to pay for that?
Xander: I’m a Druid. Mother Nature needs this crowbar.

***

Xander: What is this eerie mist?
Vandal: I don’t know. I nearly mist it.
Rest of party: Ugh.

***

Xander: I’d like to see a beholder’s penis.
***

Party B

  • Quentin – Human Cleric
  • Phaergoth – Tiefling Sorcerer
  • Wellby – Halfling Warlock
  • Dongar – Dragonborn Barbarian

Wellby: Don’t play cards with him. He cheats.
Dongar: So? I breathe poisonous gas.
Quentin: Well, good luck finding some poisonous gas to breathe around here.

***

Wellby: We’re not going to have to dig, are we?
DM: You’re going on an expedition.
Quentin: What’s wrong with digging? It’s good, honest work.
Wellby: I have scrawny, little halfling arms!
DM: They’ll give you a tiny shovel.
Wellby: Fine. Then I’ll dig a tiny hole.

***

Quentin: Were there any clues at the murder sight?
Wellby: There were lots of clues. Here’s the real problem. We don’t really know what clues are.

***

Talking to an NPC
Wellby: Is there anything in the library lituerature about murders committed like this? What’s the differential diagnosis of these murders? Basically I want to turn this guy into House, MD.
DM: It’s Lupus.
Quentin & Wellby Simultaneously: It’s never Lupus.

***

DM: The girl you’re talking to slowly starts to back away from you…
Dongar: That’s ok. I have thrown weapons.

***

Dongar: If I’m involved in this conversation I’m going to start throwing around wild accusations. Also, javelins.
Phaergoth: Can I cast Hold Person on someone in my own party?

***

Quentin: We could kill this kid, then use Speak with Dead on him to ask him questions.
Phaergoth: Cause that went so well last time we cast Speak with Dead.
Wellby: Right? We wasted all those questions.
Dongar: Just so we’re clear, we’re not going to do that, not because it’s morally wrong, but because we’re terrible at interrogations?

***

Phaergoth: Can you track this woman?
Wellby: Why would he need to track her? We know where she lives. Unless you just want to give him an opportunity to roll some dice, cause that’s always fun.
Phaergoth: In my experience us rolling dice doesn’t always go so well.

***

Quentin: One of the theories is that her nullification never happened, because whatever happened happened before it could happen…

***

Quentin: Is it too late to cast a tracking spell?
DM: Yes.
Wellby: I don’t have a tracking spell anyway.
Quentin: Oh, neither do I. I was just asking.

***

Quentin: What are we looking for on these barges?
Wellby: We don’t know. This was Dongar’s plan.
Dongar: That is correct.
Quentin: What were you looking for?
Dongar: I don’t know. That’s why I’m looking.
Quentin: Wait. What?
Dongar: I’m looking because I don’t know what I’m looking for, and I didn’t find it. Or maybe I did. I don’t know.

***

DM: This is the dock side boys turf!
Wellby: Never heard of you.
Quentin: Dock side boys? Well, we’re the Wharf Side Men. Nice to meet you.

***

Dongar: So what I’m hearing is that failing my tracking check was destiny.
Wellby: What I’m hearing is you need an excuse for your failure.
Dongar: I don’t need an excuse for failure. Just an opportunity.

***

DM: The Book of Journeys is too valuable for Droho to keep it. It could fall into the wrong hands.
Dongar: So your plan to keep the book safe from thieves is for us to steal it?

***

Quentin: Is the NPC that won’t shut up coming with us?
Dongar: Yes. He won’t survive on his own.
Quentin: I’m afraid he’s not going to survive long with us if he keeps talking…