Conflicts of Interest

NPC: I don’t work at the weapons shop!

Farone: Oh, right. You’re a random person.


NPC: Lizardmen can breathe underwater for 9 hours.

Eli: Not without their heads. It’s a fact.


Farone: Forgive my friend. He’s a little thin.


Farone: Um…words are hard.


Janessa: We’re just going across the river. Why do we need a boat?

Eli: We’re going DOWN the river.

Janessa: No we’re not! There’s bad guys down there!


Eli: Let’s haggle.

NPC: Ok, 100 gold.

Eli: None.

NPC: 150?

Eli: You’re good.

NPC: …

Eli: 20…90…100

NPC: I’ll take 20-90-100.

Farone: How about 50?

NPC: Ok. 50.

Farone: Sold. (To Eli) YOU shut up.


Janessa: You freaking whore!

Kurt: You just wanna say whore.

Janessa: Dude, I like whores.


Janessa: I’m gonna lean over the side of the boat. But don’t let it bite me.If it’s gonna bite me I’m not gonna do it.


Janessa: Dude, how much room you got in that robe?

Kurt: Infinity.

Janessa: (thinks for a second)…nuh-uh.


Dave: Somehow I got hurt.

Farone: Could be the lighting bolt the mage hit you with.

Kurt: You didn’t see that!

Farone: There was a ball of lightning and the cleric went “AAARGH!”. It was kind of hard to miss.


James: I’m freaking walking back into camp all triumphant and sh*t. “That’s right! I tracked something!”


Janessa: I never stole from you.

Dave: Never?

Janessa: Never.

Dave: Really?

Janessa: Never!

Dave: Not even the evil sword?

Janessa: That was on your horse.


Janessa: I’ve only stolen from the half orc, the Halfling, and your horse.

Dave: So, like half the party.

Janessa: Yeah.


Janessa: Wait! I sense loot on the cleric.

Janessa: I’m sending the orc to time out.

Eli:…I don’t know what to do, she’s littler than me.


Eli: Lizardmen are evil.

Dave: Not all of them.

Eli: They all try to kill us!

Dave: Not these.

Eli: Oh, they want to.


James: Where’d you get dry ice?

Farone: It’s a monk thing.


Janessa: (To James) You should shoot him. You can hit things. (To Kurt) You know acupuncture, right? Hit him with something in the “make him not move” spot.


DM: 2.

Janessa: 2 what?

DM: Points of damage.

Janessa: From what?!?

DM: Fish biting you.

Janessa: But I hate fish!


Janessa: Why are you alerting them? This is our room! They can suck it.


Janessa: I wanna sell my soul to this bad guy. He seems cool.


Farone: You’re so not a monk…


NPC: I know a wizard…

Janessa: Is it Mephisto?

Kurt: Stop talking in front of the bad guy!


Farone: I give her some bracers.

Janessa: Are they magical?

Farone: Yes.

Janessa: Yay! I play with them.


NPC: My family should be ruling this land!

Kurt: You smell like a yak.

Janessa: That was so random.


Dave: You stand for everything Pelor is against.

NPC: Oh-yada-yada-yada.

Janessa: Really!

Eli: Sorry cleric, even I’m puking over here.


Eli: Ok, so we need to go to the coast town.

James: As the ranger let me map out a route.

Eli: Oh, God, we’re doomed.


DM: All the NPC’s are staring at the cleric.

Janessa: (quietly to herself) Yes. Kill the cleric.


(Janessa has a small spider on her arm)

Eli: (Drawing his greatsword) I’ll get it.

Janessa: No you’re not! Don’t you freaking dare, you whore!


Janessa: What dagger are you selling?

Farone: The shiny one. You don’t want it.

Dave: It’s all covered with gems…

Janessa: Oh, I so want it.


Eli: We were talking about that like 5 minutes ago.

Janessa: I’m all covered with lag over here. Things take longer to get to me.


(The monk is running a drinking game)

Farone: Take a drink for raising your voice to me!

Eli: F*ck you monk!

Farone: Oh, you said f*ck you. You don’t have to take a drink.

Eli: Sweet. Ah I’ll drink anyway.


Dave: Mosley didn’t mention that he would buy armor.

Farone: You didn’t tell him you had armor.

Dave: SHH!


Dave: I’m asking about magic.

Kurt: I can tell you about magic.

Farone: Sort of…


Farone: Is the rogue a magical beast?

DM: No.

Janessa: Pwned.


James: (Randomly leafing through a rule book) Man, elves are freaking hot!


NPC Sailor: Do you have money?

Janessa: Oh, I have money.

NPC Sailor: How much?

Janessa: I don’t know.

NPC Sailor: You don’t know how much money you have?

Janessa: Oh, I know…


NPC: I’ll give you some money if you can make the wizard stop singing.

Janessa: Done. Mage, stop singing! Or the stabbity will commence.


Janessa: Hey, you got me a new dagger. Where is it?

Dave: What dagger?

Janessa: Oh, I don’t know. I just *sensed* new loot on you.


James: I follow the chunky elf.

Janessa: Excuse me?


DM: What are you casting?

Kurt: Well, I was thinking Tenser’s floating-

Eli: Here’s an idea. KILL IT! BURN IT! BLOW IT UP!!!


Janessa: I try to pick the lock with my magical thingies…

Farone: Breasts?


Janessa: (Examining a locked door) It’s probably a spell. Can somebody check this for spells?


Eli: Dude, you’re being all spooky.

Farone: I’m a monk.


James: There’s blood falling from the sky, a house blew up, there’s zombies in the church basement…this town is f*cked up, man, we should go. Let’s travel somewhere where it’s not raining blood and do something there.


Janessa: (Looking at miniature zombies) They’re cute. I wanna be their friend.


Eli: We know our ranger can’t track.

James: Wait! I’ll look. Just let me look…I don’t see anything.


DM: Just like Janessa you took 3 points of damage.

Janessa: Hey, I’m way the f*ck over here!


Janessa: I can’t tell if this door is trapped. Hey, cleric, be helpful and open this door.


(The elf nudges an NPC who appears catatonic)

NPCThe on descend shall evil of night land, at near are signs of hexad this when hand.

Farone: Nudge him again, see if you can get a different channel.


Kurt: There’s just too many homoerotic references here today…


(Repeated line throughout the campaign)

Janessa: Back off, cleric!


Eli: Let’s see, this plantation has two dug up graves…a body hanging from a tree…and, hey, Bay Windows!


Kurt: We got Nok, Bahzel, Telwyn-

Farone: It’s Bahzel.

Dave: That’s what he said. Bahzel.

Farone: BahzelBahzel is a girls name.


Janessa: I got bit by a werewolf. I don’t bamf anymore. I lycanthropy over there…


Dave: A book of evil rituals? Let’s burn it.

Kurt: Maybe it tells you how to stop the blood rain from falling from the sky.

Dave: That would be in the book of good rituals.

Kurt: How would you know? You always burn these…


Farone: Does he look like Luc?

DM: Yes.

Farone: Aww man, we just killed Marcel!

Dave: He was trying to kill us-

Farone: Actually, he did 30 points of damage to me. F*ck Marcel!


Janessa: I saved this town from a zombie!

Farone: She is a rogue. She’s stealing the cleric’s credit.


Farone: Pelor is the God of the Sun. He brings Light.

NPC: He sounds like a good deity.

Farone: He is.

Dave: You follow Pelor?

Farone: No.


DM: He tried to surprise you in a dark stairway with a sword in his hand.

Janessa: Maybe he’s nice…


Janessa: My character weighs exactly 100 lbs.

(Farone and Eli laugh)


Farone: How do you know he was a thief?

Kurt: He was dressed in black and wearing a mask.

Farone: Oh, yeah, that makes him a thief.

Kurt: Ok, he was a swamp ninja.


DM: You can tell it’s the elf’s blood.

Eli: How?

Farone: We’ve seen her blood so often that we recognize it.

DM: Plus you can tell it’s her blood because it’s trying to steal stuff from the other blood around it…


DM: It’s filled with blades, chains, spikes, leather straps…

Eli: Torture Equipment.

Dave: You recognized that awful quick.

Eli: I’m a half-orc. They’re like marital aids.


Janessa: You can’t hear me.

Farone: Yes I can.

Janessa: You aren’t even here.

Farone: I’m in the hall.

Janessa: At the other end.

Farone: It’s a short hallway!

Janessa: Well…it’s round.


(Talking to the Gypsy)

Janessa: You and I are the same…What?!? Gypsies steal things…

(later that day)

Janessa: Well, since she’s not a witch, and she doesn’t steal things, which, by the way, is very disappointing…


Kurt: Who killed that last cleric?

Farone: Luck. And Dave.


DM: Where is all this resting taking place?

Kurt: We need a camp.

Janessa: We can make a little cute camp right here.


Eli: Did anyone read the note?

Kurt: Yeah…the bodies are the mayor-

Eli: Not that, the other note!

Janessa: Wow, tangents rule.


Janessa: One of us should sneak in.

Dave: Ok, I’ll do it.

Janessa: Hey! I have 8 in move silently so suck it!


Farone: Are they armed?

DM: Vaguely…


(After pummeling a snakeman for 13 points of damage)

Farone: That’s how we do it in Monkville, Bitch!


Farone: Is it flickering like a flame? Or not flickering like…not a flame.


Eli: Who is she talking to?

Farone: Her invisible Elf boyfriend.


Janessa: I’m huffing in the corner cause he’s being a jerk.


Janessa: I was knocked unconscious, I woke up on an altar, I got hit in the back, and you guys are bastards!


Farone: Did you open the middle chest?

Janessa: No, cause the cleric’s by it and I don’t like him.


Janessa: I’m gonna go look at myself in the mirror, cause I’m hot.


Eli: I’m thinking about ripping her head off and drinking her like a coke.

Farone: Well, like a diet coke.

Janessa: No, remember, I’m medium plus.


Eli: I’m going to run around banging pots and pans until someone comes to find us.

Farone: No he’s not. I checked his character sheet. He doesn’t have pots and pans.


Janessa: What? That’s funny right? There’s someone upstairs wacking around?

Eli: Um…the note says walking around.

Janessa: Oh.


Janessa: Where do I look up skills?

DM: See, this is why I handed you a players handbook a minute ago. And now you’ve lost it!

Janessa: What? I don’t have it!

DM: This is what I’m saying.


Janessa: You’re pretty flamboyant with your money there.

Farone: Yeah. I’m a monk.

Farone: Before we leave I’m gonna go get some of that fruit. I’m a monk. Monks love fruit.


Janessa: We’re waiting for scragglers.

DM: What the f*ck are scragglers?

Janessa: You know, like…drunk…people.


Farone: Since we’re stayling…er, staying…

Dave: Stayling?

Farone: Yes. To wait for scragglers.


Janessa: I’m gonna go sulk. I’m an elf. I can do that.


Dave: Laws are good, but sometimes the good of the people outweighs the law of the land.

Janessa: Oh, malarkey.


Eli: If we leave by another gate we won’t even have to explain.

Dave: That was my point.

Janessa: Well, if anybody’s going to bluff, it should be me.

Everyone: …


Janessa: What is size?

DM: You’re an elf so put medium.

Farone: You’re kind of a fat elf so put medium plus.


Farone: Who’s Pelor?

DM: He’s the God of the Sun.

Eli: Who’s the father?

Janessa: Your momma.


Farone: This game’s never going to work because no one here has anypersonality.

Janessa: Hey, I have a 13!