5E Quotes


The party

Kincaid Greyspire – Dwarf Rogue

Bruenor Frostbeard – Dwarf Cleric

Philo Guzzletop – Halfling Warlock

Sir Christopher Neeling-Roche of Marblehead – Dragonborn Paladin


The Quotes


DM: You’ can’t see in the dark.

Philo: Could these dead goblins see in the dark?

DM: Yes.

Philo: Can I cut out their eyes and look through them to see in the dark?

Bruenor: You are an awesome warlock.


Philo: I don’t have to make a climb check.

DM: Why not?

Philo: Halfling Nimbleness.

DM: How does that help in this situation?

Philo: Oh, it doesn’t.


Kincaid: I stabbed one of them and lit their bar on fire.

Bartender: You did? Drinks on the house!

Philo: Aw. Why can’t we just drink in here?


DM (reading from notes): The person you’re looking for is named Thelv…Thev…Thelav….Troy. His name is Troy.


DM: The description of this guy says he’s fat and weaselly. How can someone be both fat and weaselly?


DM: Where are you?

Sir Christopher: I went with the dwarf. I’m just standing behind him. Looking…tall.


Bruenor: Have you heard of Cragmaw Castle?

Bartender: No. Do you possibly mean Cragmaw Keep?

Bruenor: Possibly. Do you know Cragmaw Keep?

Bartender: …no.


DM: The wizard’s name is “Bowgentle”.

Kincaid: Mr. Bowgentle?


Kincaid: Nothing good has ever lived in a lair.

Philo: Well, nothing good has ever lived in a crag either.

Kincaid: My whole family lives in a crag!

Philo: That’s just because they’ve hit rock bottom.


DM: They see Bruenor across the chasm and one of them yells, “That’s the guy!” Then they charge at Kincaid.

Kincaid: Hey!

DM: What? You’re dwarves. You all look alike.


DM: So when you look down that hallway you get this read at you…(proceeds to read text).


DM: He hits Sir Christopher with his maul!

Bruenor: He missed.

DM: NO! He rolled a 16.

Bruenor: His AC is 17.

DM: Well then…he missed. Cause that’s all he can do.


Sir Christopher: I rolled a…9.

DM: Normally that would miss. And this time it missed as well.


DM: The undead were driven away by a magic flame. Kind of. And the town is still intact. Sort of.

Kincaid: in that case we’ll investigate. Maybe.


Philo: Can I ride a mastiff?

DM: You can MOUNT a mastiff.

Philo: No, I got in trouble for that once. That’s what started my path to warlock-hood.


DM: There’s a sign outside of town that says: Danger! Plant Monsters and Zombies! Turn back now.


Kincaid: So this town is empty?

DM: No, there’s plant monsters and zombies all over this town.

Philo: No, there’s a sign outside warning them to turn back.

DM: No, that’s not what that sign…No, that IS what that sign says. Hm.


Philo: I rolled a 7.

DM: That’s it? You don’t have a spell casting bonus?

Philo: Oh, right! Plus 5! So that’s a 12.

DM: That’s better. You miss.


DM: The house is over run with brambles. Unless you’re searching the outside of the house in which case there’s nothing because the magpies took all the shiny things.

Philo: Really…so where is this magpie lair?


DM: roll an attack of opportunity.
Kincaid: 21.
Sir Christopher: 8.
Philo: can they both use Kincaid’s roll?


Philo: Firebolt right in the face.
DM: He might have been coming to sell you cookies!
Philo: 19.
DM: He wants to be your friend!
Philo: 21.
DM: What, every option I give you gonna add 2?
Philo: Yes.


DM: Arere you going to attack this guy running away?
Sir Christopher: Nah, I’ll let him go.
Kincaid: What? No, I’m running out there and attacking him. 20. Hit.
DM: Ok, he’s dead, but you get a flag for unsportsmanlike conduct.


Sir Christopher: There’s a lot of doors.
Kincaid: It’s a keep.
Sir Christopher: Is this where they KEEP their doors?


<After killing an owlbear>
Kincaid: I guess he was OWL of time.
DM: Were you trying to say out of time?
Kincaid: Yes. I’m not good at puns.
Bruenor: You should have said, “HOO was that guy?”
DM: Oh, these puns are un-BEAR-able.
Philo: I was gonna say they “BEARLY made those puns.”


DM: You’re prone.
Philo: Prone to what?


DM: Kincaid’s blinded.
Kincaid: I’m casting my magical darkness.
Philo: I can see through that.
Kincaid: No, it’s magial.
Philo: It’s my warlock ability.
DM: That’s right.
Kincaid: Oh, cool.
DM: Can YOU see through magical darkness?
Kincaid: No, but I was already blind.
DM: Good point.


Sir Christopher: I can’t believe I don’t have somebody’s head. I’m usually carrying at least one.


Sir Christopher: Does the “Find Trap” spell tell you what kind of trap it is?
Bruenor: Well, no. Or yes. Maybe.
DM: Way to be specific.


Sir Christopher: I want to cast “Command” and make them attack each other.
DM: You only get one word. So what do you say?
Sir Christopher: Swing?
Bruenor: They’re just going to swing at us.
DM: You have to be specific.
Sir Christopher: Murder?
Philo: Is it really murder? They’re bugbears.
Bruenor: Betray. Then he’ll turn to his bugbear buddy and be like, “I slept with your wife. Shit! Why did I say that?”