Crowsnest – Canadian Found Footage Horror is soy-ry about this…


Found Footage horror but from CANADA! So it’s soy-ry about everything. As well it should be.

Our movie starts out with the found footage horror trope “Somebody got a camera for their birthday!” (I’d like to do a study on how many found footage horror films start with someone getting a camera for a birthday, or at least as a gift).

There’s a dinner party for this birthday, and birthday boy is filming the whole thing, because that’s not annoying. The number of people in found horror footage movies who refuse to put down the camera in the most annoying circumstances also has to be a trope of some kind. The camera has Night vision, of course, so he can film himself having sex with his girlfriend on his birthday, which she’s going to shut down as soon as she sees that red light. Paranormal Activity already did this scene. But he does have his toque on, so, you know, Canada.

Now the inevitable, girlfriend in her underwear in the bathroom getting ready to go scene. And she’s still annoyed at him. Why does she keep going out with this guy? He also tries the “I turned it off, no really” trick, which fails. She’s getting more annoyed. And if he puts it on Facebook she will “killhimdead”. (Really, she said it “justlikethat”). She does at least keep up with the “put that camera down and help me” schtick, which is what everybody would be saying 24/7 to this guy.

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This is what all jerk boyfriends do with their cameras when they get them…

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And this is the inevitable response.

 

 

 

So our two couples are going on a road trip, and they have to bring along the annoying sister of someone. So here’s how our plot starts, there’s no beer (this may in fact be a class A felony in Canada) so they’re going to stop and get some. They are drinking wine coolers, which camera guy’s girlfriend brought along. So for future reference we have Camera Guy, Camera Guy’s girlfriend, Driving Friend, Driving Friend’s Girlfriend, and Driving Friend’s Girlfriends Annoying Sister. Henceforth to be known as CG, CGG, DF, DFG, and DFGAS. (Vagrant’s note: Might I suggest – Cameraman, Girlfriend, Driver, Passenger and Baggage?) (Fox reply: No. No you may not.)

They’re driving out in the middle of the country now. I assume Canada is just Toronto, Vancouver, whatever other cities have hockey teams, and then it’s all Yeti filled wilderness.

They’ve stopped to have lunch in the middle of nowhere, and DFG is filming now so CG can get some time on screen. Now DFGAS has the camera, because if they pass it around then everybody can get an acting credit for what I assume is their university acting class. CGG has lost her cell phone, which is pointless anyway, because they have no service (and I’m sure this won’t be a problem at any point in the future).

Next they drive into a trailer park community and DF is adamant that they’re not lost. They’re looking for the freeway. It doesn’t appear to be in the trailer park community. They thought they “saw a a dude” somewhere, but apparently not. Everyone’s having a good time, and things are not at all creepy in this little empty looking trailer park village.

That's DFG in the middle there, just taking in the scenery.

That’s DFG in the middle there, just taking in the scenery.

 

 

 

Holy crap, DFG is rapping! It’s amazing. Canadian White Girl rap is a severely under-served market.

They make their way back into the creepy woods, but now it’s suddenly become a big deal that they can’t get cell service (Vagrant’s note: No Cell Signal Trope, Check!), and now the radio’s stopped working as well. DF looks annoyed. CG tells his girlfriend he lost his cell phone a few days ago, but it’s ok, he was planning on getting a new one anyway. So, to recap, CG doesn’t have a phone, CGG has lost her phone, and no one can get a signal, anyway. We all caught up? Ok, good.

They have discovered a radio station, though, and it appears to just be some creepy preacher talking about hell and brimstone. DFGAS is talking about how the Bible is just full of God smiting people. She’s talking about how the Bible says you should be put to death for being gay, bestiality, any kind of sex in general, rape, incest, or even talking back to your parents. She’s off on a rant. She’s listed like 70 different reasons the Bible says you can be killed.

She caps it off with: “If we all lived by the word of the Bible we’d all be killed for our sins.”

So, back on the road and there’s a creepy wooden sign for “Crowsnest” (Vagrant’s Note: Roll Credits!) (Fox reply: If only). Hey! That’s the name of the movie. I guess we’re still looking for beer. DF says he read about Crowsnest online, and I guess the Canadian internet is just all about where to find beer in the middle of nowhere.

They stop the car because something smells bad (really?) and it appears to be a dead deer, or the bones and some blood of a dead deer. Or the bones and blood of something. The guys of course want to see it, the girls stay by the car. Hey, DF went to get a stick to poke it with. Boys never really grow up, do we?

“Whatever did this could still be around.” Says CG while pointing his camera at the woods. DF says, “This isn’t natural.” Cause he’s a wilderness expert now, or something.

This is what Canadian horror films consider "creepy".

This is what Canadian horror films consider “creepy”.

 

 

 

So, of course they say “F*ck it.” And go on back about their business.

Everyone in the car now seems annoyed at CG for making them stop, but really was it totally his fault? He wasn’t even driving. DFGAS smelled the bad smell and DF was the one who pulled over, how is it his fault?

We’ve made it to Crowsnest, though, and it looks like a little mining town, and much like the trailer park, appears to be abandoned.

CGG has the camera, DFG is still trying to get a signal, and CG is trying to find somewhere to buy beer. DFGAS is feeling sick, according to DFG because she’s not used to drinking. DFGAS has wandered away from the car and tells CGG “This isn’t a a good idea.” She finds a dead bird and pokes it with a stick. So it’s not just guys, apparently.

DFG decides to pee in the grass and CGG is totally “not” going to film it. Then she actually films it from behind a wooden outhouse, kind of, and then there’s a creepy noise. Who made that noise?! Also, how long does it take to discover there’s no one in this town.

Oh, wait. There’s someone. Probably whoever made the noise. A creepy little girl wearing a nightgown from the 1850’s holding a stuffed animal. Of course when CGG turns back around with the camera the girl is gone and no one else saw her. (Show them the video!) But no one, even CGG cares about this for long because the boys are at the car, yelling that “We need to go!” Everyone piles into the car and they “Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!”

If you're driving out of the movie, she'd like a ride.

If you’re driving out of the movie, she’d like a ride.

 

 

 

Why? Because the boys saw some “old f*cker” who was staring at them, just “f*cking staring”. Apparently CG asked about the dead thing they saw on the road and the old guy said they should all turn around and go, in a low and creepy way. And that freaked them out. He told them if they all drove down this road they were all going to die. The girls think they’re making this up.

But they have beer. So that’s good, right?

Only DFGAS says “We never should have gone to that place.” Though she doesn’t really say why. Other than there had to have been a billion convenience stores in the city they left from where they could have bought beer. Also, I realized at this point, that other than stopping in Crowsnest to get beer I have no idea what they’re final destination was ever supposed to be.

Next, all the girls are in the back singing some kind of song, and DF still looks annoyed. They pull off to the side of the road to look at some place where the forest has been burned down or something, and also it’s starting to rain.

Seriously, he always looks this annoyed.

Seriously, he always looks this annoyed.

 

 

 

DFG is dancing in the street yelling that there’s “No one else out here!” when an RV almost runs her over. That was almost inevitable. DF wants to chase them down to get their license number, against the advice of everyone else in the car. Driving through the middle of nowhere in the woods chasing down RVs, probably not the best idea. The RV stops, then waits for them to catch up, and appears to be trying to bait them into following it.

Here’s the part where you turn around and go home, but instead they sit and yell at each other long enough for the RV to turn around and start coming for them. The RV only has one headlight, which immediately makes it look creepier. It’s forcing them to reverse back down the road to get out of the way, which they manage to do, but now the RV is following THEM and honking and DFG has correctly guessed that “They’re going to f*cking kill us!” At least I assume she’s right.

RV hits them, but they escape! Which is the first thing that made DF happy. He’s feeling awesome, like he’s some amazing driver. Yes, you’re well on your way to Canadian NASCAR, buddy (which I assume is just like American NASCAR only all sponsored by Tim Horton’s, Various Beers, and Tire Money).

DFGAS needs to throw up, but DF won’t stop the car until all the girls yell at him and he finally does. He’s annoyed about the dent in his car, but CG points out that they have the whole thing on film for the insurance company. The girls are all hugging it out across the road, CG goes over to see if they’re ok and CGG gets annoyed because he’s still filming.

DFGAS at her most sassy.

DFGAS at her most sassy.

 

 

 

But everyone seems ok now. They’re all back in the car.

But, wait, DFGAS needs to throw up again, gets out and the RV appears out of nowhere and runs her over!

Hey! Guess what. No cell service. What to do now? CGG is playing nurse, her pupils are dilated, her pulse is weak, and they’re all just standing in the road. DF wants to go up to the top of the hill to see if he can get service and call a chopper. DFG is freaking out because here sister is dying. She wants to put her in the car. CG suggests leaving her there to go get help. DFG is not happy about this. (Seriously, that was his suggestion. Let’s leave her here on the side of the road while we go get help).

Cut to everyone back in the car, DFGAS being held by the other two girls, barely breathing, but coming to. She’s spitting up blood. CG has, of course, not stopped filming.

And the RV is back! Ramming them from behind. DF wants to know how he could be going so fast. Everyone else is just generally freaking out.

The RV disappears again (it’s a ghost RV!) They have no idea where they are, only that they’re on a road and it goes…somewhere. *Spoiler* DFGAS dies.

DF won’t stop the car. He says, “We can’t help her.” CG tells him, “That’s cold.” DF says, “What do you want me to say?” Eh, it’s a reasonable point.

DF runs over something and the car stops. DF is now half way under the car looking to see what’s wrong. I really expected the RV to show up again, but no luck. CG says we need to film everything so they can show it to the cops. DF wants to get up higher so they can get a signal. He’s going to walk to the top of the hill. NO ONE else seems to think this is a good idea.

DFG won’t leave her dead sister. Even CGG is trying to get her to walk up the hill with them now. I guess if DF is going up the hill leaving everyone else to the mercy of the ghost RV it’s probably a bad idea to leave anyone alive behind. Safety in numbers and all that.

DF is intent on going up the hill and takes CGGs cell phone (which I guess she found at some point). CG and CGG are now fighting and they’ve decided to chase him up the mountain (still filming of course, because climbing a mountain isn’t hard enough, CG needs to add a degree of difficulty to everything he does) and they’ve left DFG behind with her dead sister. So like 3 bad decisions all made at the same time.

CG starts dictating to the camera all the things that happened. Oh, and now it’s starting to rain again. DF wants to know why he’s talking to the camera, and he says, “For the cops.”

This is CG and my tribute to his shoddy camera work.

This is CG and my tribute to his shoddy camera work.

 

 

 

DF and CGG seem to be having a moment and CG wants to know what they’re talking about. Apparently DF and CGG slept together last year and CG didn’t know, but DF is feeling confessional. CG wants to know he’s lying, and CGG just shrugs. Well, I guess this relationship’s over.

DFG is now screaming the distance. (I still can’t believe they left her by herself with her dead sister).

CG and CGG are headed back and suddenly EVERYONE is back at the car, only DFG and DFGAS are gone. CGG is screaming and then they’re all wandering through the woods again, screaming for her. Except CG is saying, “Guys she’s gone.” CG tells DF that she’s dead and they’re going to get themselves killed looking for her. It’s DF’s fault for driving them out into the middle of nowhere (Vagrant’s Note: 94% of Canada is “The Middle of Nowhere”, The rest is 4% those couple cities you’ve heard of and 1% Mooses), and then DF and CG are fighting and the camera has been dropped (strategically well enough to film the fight, I might add), then CG picks it up and tells the camera that CGG and DF are dead to him. I guess he’s wandering off on his own now. “Whatever happens to me, I just want to go on record, this whole thing is DF’s fault.”

The cops will be glad to know he’s fingered the guilty party for them.

CG hears something and goes running through the woods where he discovers trees and headache inducing camera shaking. Now he’s decided he’s lost. Good call, CG.

CG is having confessional time with the camera now, telling it that he’s lost, that psychos are still around somewhere, and they’ve killed DFGAS and DFG. His friend and ex-girlfriend are gone. Worst. Birthday. Ever. Also, he loves his mom and tells her not to worry about him. Presumably because he’ll be dead when someone finds this video.

Now he’s found his inner strength, though, and now he’s moving through the woods again. And he’s stumbled across the ghost RV!

This looks like a good idea. I'll just go say hi...

This looks like a good idea. I’ll just go say hi…

 

 

 

He’s filming it from the woods, which seems like a bright idea, only now he’s moving towards it, I guess to get these guys on film, because they’re not gonna just kill him if they see him, right?

There’s blood on the side of the RV and blood in a puddle nearby. Nothing to fret about.

Oh, and the license plate is covered in duct tape. To which he says, “Are you f*cking kidding me?” Yeah, cause these guys would never do something like that. That would be illegal.

He hears someone coming and hides under the RV where he can film jeans and boots, which apparently belong to our RV drivers. They’re wandering the woods, I guess, looking for the other survivors? They wander off and he climbs back out so he can run back to the woods. Only he runs back to the RV instead and climbs inside. Cause surely there’s only 2 of them.

Hey, here’s an excuse to use your night vision. The inside of the RV is full of blood, bones, plastic wrap, bodies…

Oh, hey, it’s DFG, who’s still alive! DFG is freaking out and has had her foot amputated or something. Also she’s chained inside. She wants him to take her out of there, and he’s trying to get her to shut up.

CG finds a hacksaw to try to cut her chains free. BTW, the night vision on the camera is the only good excuse he has for filming this, only he sets it down to try to blindly cut her chains off. Good going CG. (Though he did manage to keep her in frame, so that’s something.)

If you leave me behind in this f*cking movie I will kill you.

If you leave me behind in this f*cking movie I will kill you.

 

 

 

Of course instead of cutting the chains he spends five minutes trying to calm her down. And he keeps saying he’s “Soy-rry” in his awesome Canadian accent.

Then he takes a knife from the “table of doom” back there with DFG and heads to the front of the RV because he’s heard something. The little girl from the town is there with DFGAS and she’s eating her hand (cannibals!). The little girl sees him and attacks him. He stabs her, like a lot. So, CG now has a kill on record. DFG is still screaming that he needs to get her out of there.

CG goes back to her and she’s cutting her chains (or trying to) and he tells her he’s going to go get help. (Where?) She is freaking out. And I can’t blame her.

Back outside and he ducks under the RV because I guess these guys are coming back. Oh, there’s one of them, climbing into the RV. Oh there’s the other one. Now he’s out and running for the woods.

More nausea inducing camera work and then he finally remembers to turn off the night vision. DFG’s screaming is abruptly cut off and one of the RV guys comes running at him. He leaves the camera on while he’s running which is painful for anyone watching the movie, then he stops to wait for his impending doom. He does find a hiding spot and watches RV guy looking for him, only RV guy missed him somehow. Except RV guy #2 didn’t. He’s totally captured, and RV guy takes his camera so he can film RV guy #2 cutting his head off. With a machete. By sawing it. Then the camera hits the ground and we see the RV guys dragging his body away. Presumably to eat it.

Some indeterminate time later DF and CGG find the camera. DF wants to watch the video to see what happened. CGG is in tears. DF says we need to move because he doesn’t want to die out here, but she doesn’t care anymore. I guess they watched the video? It’s unclear to me. DF is now operating the camera with the same unwieldiness that CG did before. Now he’s retelling the story into the camera, and he says they killed 3 of his friends, so I guess he did watch the video.

Also, he says it’s all his fault, he brought them here, CG was right. This camera has the ability to make anyone using it confess to things. Or maybe DF just likes confessing to things, since he confessed about his affair with CGG as well, earlier, and he wasn’t holding the camera then.

We've actually found a road! All our troubles are over!

We’ve actually found a road! All our troubles are over!

 

 

 

They’ve made their way to a road, which they’re very excited about. CGG says, “Are you sure it’s the right road?” What’s the right road in this situation lady? They walk along the road, still trying to get a signal, which she does! Oh my god, had it and lost it. Now here comes the RV. Of course. They hide in the woods to watch it go by. It goes really slow. Passes by them. And then stops. Of course. Cause you’re doing a terrible job of hiding.

DF decides to venture further out towards the RV cause he’s a genius. The RV door opens and closes, but they can’t see that side of the RV. Something hits the ground. Then the RV drives off. What did they leave behind? Of course DF is going to investigate.

Why it’s another bloody lump, like the dead “deer” they found earlier. Of course it is. But DF needs a closer look. Because of course he does. It’s definitely a human torso. CGG sees it and vomits. Now she’s all upset that they killed CG (and she was so mad at him earlier). This is what happens when you don’t listen to the old creepy guy who tells you you’re all going to die. Old creepy guy gets full marks for psychic abilities. DF wants to get off the main road (but they were so happy to find the main road in the first place…)

CGG just wants to go home, so she’s wandered off down the road, but wait, did they hear something? They’re coming back! More hiding in the bushes. The RV pulls up. The door opens. RV Guys are coming for them! Chase through the woods and the camera drops again. We can hear the screaming as DF and CGG get chased down. RV guy #1 (or #2, who can tell?) finds the camera and just stares at it.

Oh, we’ve cut to a few minutes later, apparently DF and CGG got away from the other RV guy and now they’re back looking for the camera. DF is apparently wounded because he’s asking CGG if she can see the bone. She tells him to lift it above his heart, so maybe it’s his arm? CGG found the camera, and now they have to go. More shots of the woods, only with DF complaining. Oh, he got his hand chopped up I guess cause he’s holding it. They can’t find the car (which they probably shouldn’t have left in the first place).

She’s trying to get him to move, but he’s soooo tired. She sets the camera down to try to get him up (keeping them in frame, of course). Which she does, but he’s screaming in pain. I guess his hand fell off. Now she has the camera again and he’s bleeding everywhere. They really should leave this camera somewhere. It’s apparently bad luck. (Alternate theory? There’s a GPS in the camera that the RV guys are using to track them. It’s the only thing that makes any sense).

Do you know how hard it is to drop a camera and keep you in frame? Acknowledge my skills!

Do you know how hard it is to drop a camera and keep you in frame? Acknowledge my skills!

 

 

 

Hey, they found their car! No one else is around…

Go for it! They made it to the car, but the car won’t start (Haha, of course it won’t). DF is using the camera to see if the RV is coming (because looking without the camera is hard). Looks out the back (nothing), looks at the dash, looks out the back (nothing), looks at the dash, now he sets the camera on the dashboard so we can see behind them but they can’t (I sense Dramatic Irony coming). The car will. Not. Start. DF tells her that he really likes her, he always has. He is a confession machine. He just never wanted to tell her while she was with CG.

Oh, here comes the RV. Dramatic Irony realized. Oh, she’s seen them, then massive honking as the RV pushes them. The camera is all over the place.

But I guess that started the car. Cause now the camera is back on and they’re driving and the RV went off the road! They’re incredibly happy about this. CGG apparently can’t drive, as DF is yelling at her about the turns and she’s going too fast. Then they stop for some reason. Now the car won’t start again. (Why did they stop?) CGG wants the phone which DF apparently dropped on the floor. She finds it, but DF is fading fast. He sees a sign. What does it say? Rt 48.

Then boom! RV out of nowhere!

Credits.

As far as found footage horror goes it’s not very horror like, it’s mostly people arguing wandering through the woods, doing dumb things (why did they leave the car in the first place? Why would you climb a mountain looking for a cell signal when there’s clearly some RV driving loons out looking for you? Where did the RV keep going?)

It wasn’t terrible, I guess, I mean, I’ve certainly seen worse movies, but it’s not high on my recommend to friends list. Unless you like Canadian’s screaming Soy-ry at the top of their lungs, cause that part was great. The rest of it I could have lived without.

(Vagrant’s Note: Another definition of Crows Nest is an improvised hunting blind. In this case it could mean the cannibals RV) (Fox Reply: Oh. Ok.)

So, I watched it for you. Now you don’t have to.

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