Horns. (This movie is NOT about Jazz musicians.)


Horns poster

Turns out Harry Potter was a Tiefling Wizard the entire time.

 

 

Ig Perish (played by Harry Potter) has a girlfriend, and she’s super hot (because she’s Juno Temple). They’re in love. This lasts for about 90 seconds.

The first scene of the movie is Ig and his girl making out, and the second scene starts with a hungover Ig waking up to reporters outside his house. Reporters asking, “What does it feel like to get away with murder?” So, objectivity is right out.

You can see why all the trouble started.

You can see why all the trouble started.

 

 

Ig’s family thinks he might have done it, but they offer to get him a lawyer anyway because he’s family. Instead he hired his friend Lee, a public defender. The local bar doesn’t want to serve him. A candlelight vigil is held and the girl’s dad (hey look, it’s David Morse!) says Ig killed his daughter and they all light some candles. Ig is here hiding in a tree house, and he’s so pissed off that when everyone leaves he pisses on their candles. Then he blames God for what happened, cause the girl went to church every Sunday and she still got killed.

The next day Ig wakes up with the bartender girl who served him drinks, and caught him at the vigil. This is problem enough, but for some reason he has horns growing out of his head. Ig’s worried about the horns, but bartender girl keeps asking him if she can eat donuts. He doesn’t know why she’s asking him, but she seems to need his permission. And she’s confessing all kinds of strange things to him. It’s like she can’t lie to him.

I finally get rid of all my pimples, and now this?

I finally get rid of all my pimples, and now this?

 

 

He bails to go to the doctor, and more people start confessing things to him. The lady in the waiting room wants to screw her golf pro. The nurse wants to scream at the lady in the waiting room. The little girl screaming in the waiting room wants to burn her mommy up in her bed. The nurse taking his blood pressure wants to go key the car of the woman her boyfriend is screwing. The doctor wants to snort some oxycontin and screw one of his daughter’s friends. And everybody feels the need to confess everything to Ig. Even weirder when Ig touches the woman in the waiting room he can see what she’s thinking, about her golf pro, about her screaming kid. This is going to come up later for sure.

This is so not gonna be covered under Obamacare.

This is so not gonna be covered under Obamacare.

 

 

Ig convinces the doctor to try sawing the horns off, and the doctor puts him under, which is when he starts dreaming about his childhood, meeting the girl of his dreams, blowing up dolls with cherry bombs, and riding down a log flume in a shopping cart. Naked. Then he almost drowns, Lee saves him, then he trades Lee a cherry bomb for fixing the girl’s broken cross, Lee blows off two of his fingers, and Ig gets the girl.

Then he wakes up to find the doctor and the nurse screwing, and he still has the horns. So things aren’t going well. Where to next?

To a priest, of course. The horns are getting longer. The priest tells him this is all his fault. He’s fallen from grace. Though the priest does think he should hang himself. All this honesty is getting interesting. It’s like everyone else in the movie has become Jim Carrey’s character from Liar, Liar.

Apparently, people also seem to forget that he has horns if they stop looking at him for a few seconds. Now he goes to see Lee, who doesn’t seem to be able to see the horns at all. Ig postulates that good people can’t see them. But now he’s starting to wonder if he got blackout drunk and maybe he did kill his girlfriend.

The devil drives a sh*tty orange hatchback. Who knew?

The devil drives a sh*tty orange hatchback. Who knew?

 

 

 

 

The parents are next on his list. Mom can see the horns, but she doesn’t seem to mind them. Then the honesty comes out. Mom doesn’t want to hear his problems, she wishes he’d go somewhere else. He makes her unhappy and she doesn’t want him to be her son any more.

Dad’s next. (Dad is Dexter’s dad, James Remar, by the way). Dad tells him he never knows what to say to him. Which is better than mom’s reaction. But he thinks Ig killed his girlfriend. Also, dad helped burn up a forensics lab in an effort to save him, because he loved Ig’s girlfriend. Things are getting messy.

Now Ig’s decided to use his powers to find out who killed Merrin (the girlfriend). He uses his power of persuasion to convince the reporters to beat the crap out of each other for an exclusive interview. Then he wanders off without giving anyone an interview, so I guess he is like the devil. Back to the bar where no one wants to serve him.

He tries to get them to tell him whatever they know about Merrin’s murder, but all they want to do is confess. One of them wants to kill people, one guy wants to show his weiner to everyone all the time (and he does), and the bartender wants to burn down his bar and collect the insurance money. So he starts a fire. One guy does tell him that the witness the cops have is a waitress who says she saw him drag the girl into his car.

Flashback to the night she died. She’s breaking up with him and he’s making a scene. He’s drinking. She’s not in love with him any more, and she may be seeing someone else. The next morning a cop finds him passed out in his car out by the water. He tells the cop whatever happened it was all his fault. In this part of the country that’s apparently a confession.

Back to the present, and he’s at the diner again to see the waitress. (The waitress, by the way, is Heather Graham). She admits to lying to the cops. Mostly cause she wants to be famous as the star witness at his trial. She’s a little nuts.

Would you like a side of crazy with those waffles?

Would you like a side of crazy with those waffles?

 

 

 

Now off to see his brother, Terry, who’s a jazz musician (I lied a little bit up there in the title, I guess). Terry was at the diner that night and knows Ig left alone, so Ig is going to get his side of the story, and get him to tell the cops that the waitress is making the whole thing up. Bartender/donut girl is at the club where his brother’s playing, but she doesn’t remember anything that happened that morning. Though she does offer to perform some oral sex on him in the bathroom, and she confesses she’s always been in love with him. She also tells him she’s always wanted to leave town, and he tells her to go. Which I guess she’ll do cause everyone does what he says.

Outside having a cigarette with his brother he has a weird moment with a snake, and then his brother tells him he drove the girl home. Which Ig didn’t know, and he starts beating the crap out him.

Flashback time again. This time it’s Terry driving Merrin home, hitting on her and trying to give her pills. She gets out of the car and wanders off into the woods to get away from him. She’s going to the tree house where her and Ig used to hang out when they were kids. Also the spot where the candlelight vigil was held. Terry passes out in his car. He wakes up the next morning, still sitting on the side of the road and he’s bloody, and there’s a bloody rock in his passenger seat. He wanders out to find Merrin dead. He dumps the bloody rock in the river.

Ig sees all this from touching him, and now we’re back to the present. The cops have arrived. The cops are closet gays, by the way, which they confess because that’s what happens when people are in Ig’s presence. Then they arrest Ig.

Lee comes to get him out of jail the next morning, and he tells Lee what happened. Lee still can’t see the horns. But he’s got a cross, just like Merrin’s. Lee was the one she was leaving him for. If you ever wanted to see Harry Potter screaming the F word, this is the scene for you.

It's a rare instance where the lawyer is the least satan-y person in a conversation.

It’s a rare instance where the lawyer is the least satan-y person in a conversation.

 

 

Now Ig has gone to see Merrin’s Dad and the dog’s barking at him, and now there’s a snake in the tree. The snakes seem to be following him. He wants to know if Merrin told him she was leaving him. All that does is make dad angry though. He’s convinced Ig did it, and he hopes Ig dies scared and alone.

Now there’s a snake in the road, blocking his path as he tries to drive off. Now there’s tons of snakes, all crawling towards Ig. Ig’s trying to break the horns off by ramming his head into a concrete wall, but it’s not working. As the snakes crawl towards him he grabs…a pitchfork! The devil look is coming together. The snakes are his friends, one of them wraps itself around him. He’s gone nearly full on devil now.

Next Heather Graham is getting a visit from Ig the Devil, who has commanded his snakes to bite her. He tells her she’ll never look pretty again. I guess he’s angry that she lied to the cops.

The cops follow Ig home, but Ig convinces them to have sex with each other in their squad car instead of following him. They oblige.

This look is all about walking out of the right buildings at the right time.

This look is all about walking out of the right buildings at the right time.

 

 

 

Ig goes to his parents house where he finds his brother ingesting massive amounts of drugs and drinking. He accuses his brother of not looking out for him, he could have told the cops he drove Merrin home, but didn’t. Terry tells him he should kill him, cause that’s what he deserves. Ig tells him to take ALL the drugs. Terry goes on a massive hallucination trip while Ig watches.

Lee finds Ig at the lumber plant and they argue. He rips off the cross and now Lee can see the horns. Lee confesses to killing Merrin, and Ig starts to strangle him, and now he can see what Lee saw. Merrin telling Lee she’s learned some things about herself and she can’t be with Ig. Lee folowing them to the diner, seeing Ig drive off, seeing Merrin go with Terry, following Merrin into the woods…

Lee tells her he loves her and tries to kiss her, but she rebukes him. He thought she wanted to be with him, but she just needed a friend. She tells him he doesn’t understand what’s going on with her. She didn’t break up with Ig for him. But he’s convinced she loves him. She tells him she loves Ig more than anything in the world.

Ig lets go of Lee because he’s freaked out, and Lee attacks Ig with a chain. Lee tells Ig he raped her then he killed her. He took her cross and ran off. He put the bloody rock in Terry’s car because Terry was passed out and made for a convenient suspect.

How often is wearing a full hood less suspicious than your actual looks?

How often is wearing a full hood less suspicious than your actual looks?

 

 

Now he’s dragging Ig by his horns. Telling him love made both of them devils. He’s going to kill Ig and tell the cops he was so overwhelmed with guilt he confessed and then killed himself. He covers Ig with gasoline and puts him in the car. Lights a match. Lights Ig on fire.

But Ig is the devil! You can’t kill him with fire. Ig drives his car into the water and the car goes under.

Now we’re hearing the police press conference, telling it just the way Lee said it would go down. Ig supposedly confessed and killed himself.

Cut to Ig emerging from the water. He’s burned and red, his transformation continues!

Back to see Merrin’s dad, who says, “Why the hell aren’t you dead?” Dad thinks he’s innocent now, and he gives Ig a key that Merrin left him. Ig gives dad the cross. They’re best of friends. But dad gives it back, telling him he needs it more. When he puts the cross on he reverts back to his normal form. No horns. No red skin, no burns.

Ig takes his pitchfork and heads out into the woods. He can feel Merrin protecting him.

The key opens a hidden area in the tree house where Merrin left Ig a note. Written in morse code, because that was a thing between them. She loved him, but couldn’t marry him because she was dying of the same cancer that killed her mom. That’s why she was breaking up with him, to spare him from what her dad went through.

Ig goes to see Terry in the hospital, recovering from his drug binge. Terry tells Ig if he’s going after Lee he’s going to help, because he won’t ever let Ig get hurt again.

Things have gone downhill.

Things have gone downhill.

 

 

 

 

Now Ig goes to see Lee. Lee can’t remember anything that happened, apparently. Ig asks him to take a walk with him. And into the woods they go.

To the tree house, of course.

The next few minutes are so bizarre they’re difficult to describe.

Ig wants Lee to confess, then out of nowhere Terry shows up with one of the cops, who has a shotgun on Lee. Since Lee told everyone Ig committed suicide, and Ig is standing right there, it’s clear that Lee lied. Lee agrees to go to the police and confess, but then grabs the shotgun, accidentally shooting Terry in the leg, then while tussling with Ig blows the cops head clean off. Lee starts laughing, and Ig grabs his pitchfork. Lee threatens Terry with the shotgun and then Ig says, “Merrin forgive me” and rips off the cross.

So this happened.

So this happened.

 

 

 

Then he inexplicably sprouts angel wings. Flies ten feet up in the air, then bursts into flame. Now he’s a full on devil for real. Lee shoots him with the shotgun til he runs out of bullets, then grabs the pitchfork and goes at him, seemingly knocking him down, but then Ig gets up and gores Lee with one of his giant horns. Then snakes start to show up, wrap Lee up, and then a giant snake starts eating through Lee from the inside out, crawling down his throat and killing him.

Ig stumbles off, his brother goes to him, and Ig dies, turning into ash, then he’s reunited with Merrin in the afterlife, where they apparently live on a perpetual picnic at the tree house.

This is indeed a version of heaven most of us could live with.

This is indeed a version of heaven most of us could live with.

 

 

Credits.

The thing is, I liked it. It had all kinds of neat devilly stuff. I liked the fact that he’s basically convincing people to fight, do drugs and have sex, which is all very devilish, and that people can’t lie to him (he is the father of lies, after all). Then with the snakes and the pitchfork and the horn, it was a quirky theme that ran throughout the movie.

The ending was way too over the top, but if you can forgive that it wasn’t bad. There’s no real explanation for the horns, or what happened to him, or why he became the devil temporarily, but in the end, who really cares. Would any explanation have been sufficient? I doubt it.

At any rate, I watched it so you don’t have to, but if you enjoy this sort of thing you might watch it anyway.

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.