Dylan Dog


Todd
Welcome back to VagrantFox! I’m Todd, he’s Travis, and our movie is Dylan Dog: Dead of Night:

Please Note I found 3 posters for this movie and Brandon Routh couldn't be bothered to change his facial expression for any of them.

Please Note I found 3 posters for this movie and Brandon Routh couldn’t be bothered to change his facial expression for any of them.


Travis
In this week’s movie Brandon Routh plays Dylan Dog, a small time private investigator who used to be supernatural… detective, peacekeeper, negotiator… it is not entirely clear. He described it as “When one of them crossed the line they would call me in to handle the problem and keep the truce”.

This is apparently an official position that one human at a time occupies. Oh, and we learn this all in an “I wish I was Humphrey Bogart” voiceover.

Todd
The first note I had when the movie started was “uninspired voiceover”. You know how when you’re in school and the teacher makes some poor kid read Shakespeare out loud to the class and the kid doesn’t want to do it and ends up reading it in a bland monotone? That kid would have done better voiceover work than Brandon Routh did in this movie.

Our movie opens with the Ryan Estate, in New Orleans, or N’Awlins, I guess, where a blonde girl is making dinner for two people, even though she appears to be alone. For some reason she has two plates in the oven, and she gets them out before putting stuff on them, and I kept expecting them to be hot or something and she’s just grabbing them with her hands, but that went nowhere.

Then she notices blood dripping from the ceiling and she stands there and looks up at it for like 10 seconds. This is a question I’ve always had: Why, when things drip on people in movies, don’t they back up? Because if anything drips on me, that’s the first thing I do. Look up, and take a step back. People in movies NEVER do that.

Hot chicks are always trouble in Noir movies. Even bad ones.

Hot chicks are always trouble in Noir movies. Even bad ones.


 

Travis
This is Anita Briem playing Elizabeth, the maiden in distress with a secret for this film. Her secret will eventually be revealed, some things she does will make no sense in light of that secret, and some other things related to that secret will not be explained. Welcome to bad storytelling, enjoy your stay.

Todd
Yeah, she’s a conundrum. She runs upstairs to find her father dead on the study floor in a room filled with stuffed animals (and nowhere near the blood stain that seems to be dripping into the kitchen). Then she looks around suspiciously for a few minutes at the stuffed animals before a WEREWOLF jumps out of nowhere and dives through the window!

Because I know what’s happening now, this is where I’m going to begin my “Why didn’t they kill…?” questions with “Why didn’t the werewolf kill her?”

Travis
The werewolf is there because it knows her family’s secret, so why would there be restraint at this point. Also, a bit of a spoiler, the werewolf stole something from the house but we are shown a clear view of the werewolf busting out the window and they weren’t carrying anything.

Todd
The stolen thing, or MacGuffin, if you will, becomes a serious liability to the plot at several points in the movie. But moving on, we’re next treated to a scene of Brandon Routh, as Dylan Dog, the tough as nails private eye, in the Sam Spade/Phillip Marlowe mode, and I’m sorry, but Brandon just isn’t able to pull this off.

He wakes up with a gun to his head because some ratted out husband who’s been cheating on his wife wants to kill him for taking pictures of him en flagrante, but Dylan Dog is all cool, and tells the guy how he should wait to cock the gun to escalate the threat, but since he started by cocking the gun, he has no way to escalate, and Brandon plays it smooth, like he doesn’t care.

Which would work if not for the fact that Brandon Routh spends the rest of the movie pointing out that he actually has the emotional range of a potato, so it’s not that he’s playing it cool, it’s just that his “scared sh*tless” expression is exactly the same as his “I don’t care what’s happening around me” expression.

He's either been told he's won the lottery, or he has six months left to live.

He’s either been told he’s won the lottery, or he has six months left to live.


 

Travis
When Dylan was giving the speech about waiting to cock the gun I was thinking of the Dark Knight with Joker telling Batman never to start with the head. This scene appears to serve three purposes. First: Dylan is calm under pressure and can handle himself in a crisis situation. Second: He is a low life private detective chasing cheating husbands and insurance frauds. And Finally: He knows what it feels like when love ends, as you are made aware by his far off/sad eyes look.

Todd
The kids tell me all the time that the dog looks sad, and I always tell them, that’s just how the dog looks. I think that’s just how Brandon Routh looks. He’s got sad dog eyes.

We’re now introduced to Dylan’s partner, Marcus, played by Sam Huntington, who’s acting I would describe as “Will Ferrel-esque”. He’s amusing, to say the least. And Renee pointed out that he plays a werewolf on a show called Being Human, and that somehow amused her.

But I’ve never seen that show. Marcus, for what it’s worth, wants to do more for Dylan and become his partner.

Travis
More importantly; Sam Huntington played Jimmy Olsen, Superman’s Pal, from the Superman Returns movie starring Brandon Routh.
He puts much energy into his performance and I suspect that only he and Taye Diggs enjoyed their time on set.

Sam Huntington doing his best Brandon Routh impression.

Sam Huntington doing his best Brandon Routh impression.


 

Speaking of Taye Diggs, we flash sideways now to watch his Vargas, the vampire club owner, discussing the murder of “The Importer”. This murder can cause some unspecified problems for unspecified reasons to the unspecified plans of unspecified parties. I really want to strangle these writers.

In this club humans shoot vampire blood through an inhaler and the ones that do so are called ghouls. This is important as it is just one of the many ways this movie shits all over monster mythology.

The vampire blood keeps them young and vital and makes them super strong. Of course the only ghoul we ever see in action punches all of two random club goers before being killed from an Austin Powers-esque karate chop to the neck delivered by Taye Diggs.

I have to assume he is firing his agent in this scene

I have to assume he is firing his agent in this scene.


 

Todd
There’s another thing that I want to mention in this scene because our MacGuffin is a silver cross with a ruby in it that someone comes to tell Vargas has been brought over from the “Old Country” (I’m assuming Transylvania?) But I swore when the guy said the name of it he said “The Heart of Vlad” which made sense at the time since I assumed it was some reference to Dracula.

Later on in the movie I felt like the name changed twice, and I’ll bring that up again and again until we get to the last time when I found out what the name of the object really was.

Travis
When I heard the name change later I just assumed I had misheard, but yeah in this scene I heard “Vlad” as well.

Todd
A movie trope happens in this scene, where the “Ghoul” buys the vampire blood. He asks how much and the girl selling the blood, like a 1920′s cigarette girl, tells him $450. He reaches into his shirt pocket and throws a wad of cash to her and grabs the blood.

I guess he had exactly $450 in his pocket.

Anyway, we move from here back to Dylan, doing his thang.

Travis
So Dylan shows up at Elizabeth’s house. I can’t remember how she got his number, some sort of people who know people who have his “No Pulse, No Problem” card but why does he have these cards? Is he advertising? By his own admission he was the only Supernatural problem solver in town and they all knew him.

By what we learn later we have to assume that the story of “How” was just a ruse but it still doesn’t explain why she has an old card of his.

Todd
I can’t even remember now. Did Marcus bring him the case?

Travis
Er… Yes. It was also when Marcus started making his plea to become a bigger part of the team. He wants to be the “Go To” guy instead of the “Go For” guy.

That’s special Jimmy Olson, now go fetch me some coffee.

Todd
Right. Then they drive over to where the girl with the blood splatter lives. There’s 3 things going on here:

1.) There’s a comment made by Marcus about the cops parked outside her house knowing and not liking Dylan. It’s good that this line of dialog is here because THIS NEVER COMES UP AGAIN THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRETY OF THE MOVIE.

2.) I couldn’t tell, but did they even show the window the Werewolf jumped out of when Dylan was looking around? That seemed like it should have been a bigger deal, since the werewolf smashed up like a giant window.

3.) The cops after presumably examining the body, and finding a giant missing window, apparently told blonde girl, “Eh, you were just seeing things. This is an ordinary murder.”

Plus, the cop car is apparently parked outside with two cops in it doing nothing in order to “Make the neighbors feel like the cops are doing something.”

Really?

Travis
He never makes it to the window because as soon as he learns it was a werewolf that did the killing he turns down the case and leaves.
He left that old life behind because it reminds him of his slain love and that causes the sad puppy eyes.

Todd
The sad puppy eyes he always had.
And always will.

I'm angry in this scene. Or sad. I think.

I’m angry in this scene. Or sad. I think.


 

Travis
Anyhow. Dylan takes a moment to go perfect his sad puppy eyes while his assistant goes back to the office and gets killed by some giant “thing”.

We find out what the thing is later… sort of… and we find out who it works for. But what this revelation doesn’t answer later is why it went to Dylan’s office now to get its kill on.

It wasn’t after Dylan, that would be counter to the senders goals. So the sender had to know Marcus was at Dylan’s office alone.

What plot point do you serve again?

What plot point do you serve again?


 

Todd
And why the sender wanted Marcus killed is beyond me. Now the police come to investigate this horrible crime, and Dylan Dog, with the exact same expression he’s had since the movie started, is supposed to be conveying “sad”.

Apparently he really liked Marcus, though from the interactions we’ve seen so far between them he really just tolerates Marcus’s existence. But no, we’re supposed to think this is a very difficult time for Dylan.

Dylan now goes back to work, investigating the werewolf at the manor murder.

Travis
As the Bad Boyz would have us know; Sh*t just got real.

Dylan puts on his red shirt and black overcoat and grabs an old timey doctor black bag, which has to be a nod to the source material, and heads back over to Elizabeth’s house.

He straight tells her, a werewolf did this, and she is like “A werewolf, no way”. This is the last time she questions anything supernatural.

If nothing else, it should be a clue that this chick isn’t all right if she is willing to just take that knowledge bomb in stride.

Dylan finally wants to look at the window, which only leads him to the tree outside to look for clues because I shit you not, werewolves love trees.

Todd
That they do. I mean, come on, that’s common werewolf mythos, right? The dumb part was he has 4 vials that have werewolf hairs in them because there’s only 4 clans of werewolf, and they have distinctive color patterns, to which I immediately thought, couldn’t you just have pictures of the color patterns? Does he really need vials of werewolf fur?

Also he can apparently tell the age of the werewolf because they molt at certain periods of time, so he knows this werewolf was around 18, and he knows it’s female, because I guess the fur didn’t have testicles?

That, of course, means he knows EXACTLY who the werewolf was that killed the girl’s father.

Travis
I looked up wolves, you can’t ID them by fur alone. But werewolves are special I guess.

I also like that he was using that head mounted magnifying glass thing which the camera was given a perspective shot of once and it seemed that the magnification was barely higher than the naked eye.

Yep. That's dog hair. Probably.

Yep. That’s dog hair. Probably.


 

Todd
Now Dylan Dog is off to the werewolf Den, which is in a meat packing plant, because, of course it is.

Kurt Angle is here punching a punching bag. Dylan goes to meet the head of the clan, Gabriel, and it turns out it’s the devil. Er, I mean Peter Stormare. Pete does some truly awful accented acting, and tells Dylan that he should basically go away before he gets killed.
Then he’s leaving and Kurt Angle has disappeared from his punching bag, only to jump on Dylan Dog from behind and start a cliche fest with the following two lines:
“You should have never come back.”

Followed by, “You’re not welcome here.”

Then Kurt throws on a 10 dollar werewolf mask he got at Target, and Dylan punches him with some silver knuckles that he happened to have in his pocket. Then he leaves.

Best $9.95 the FX department ever spent.

Best $9.95 the FX department ever spent.


 

Travis
I can see the silver knuckles, Dylan has probably done this before. But that werewolf mask is unforgivable. I think we only have to see it one more time before the end of the movie.

The one thing Dylan accomplishes in his visit to the meat packing plant was looking over some deliveries and he notices 10 lbs. of meat shipped to an address. But if someone is hiding out, why are they ordering meat from daddy’s company and not just going to a store?

Todd
Yeah, this was the only clever detective work in the movie, because he’s looking through that order list and everybody’s ordering hundreds of pounds of meat, and then there’s one where it’s just 10 pounds, so he goes to check it out and there’s a dead werewolf chick there.

And then a vampire jumps out of the shadows and runs away, and my question was, why didn’t the Vamp just kill him? That vampire, by the way, is named Slake. For some reason.

Also, that werewolf chick? No lines of dialog, her acting consists of lying on the floor being dead: She got 9th billing. 9th.

Oh, wait. I think I see why.

Oh, wait. I think I see why.


Travis
From here he goes to visit the Vampire club owner from earlier, Taye Diggs Vargas to do…. what exactly? Get taunted so the audience can have some exposition on the relationship between Dylan and the vampire? I couldn’t figure out why he wanted to go there.

Todd
Well, he has a flashback about his dead girlfriend laying in the Corpus Club (yeah, it’s that kind of movie) and then Taye Diggs tells him he likes him, but he has to be careful, and that none of the Vampires were involved in the killing.

Then BAM! Cliche alert:

Dylan: I guess you won’t mind if I have a look around, then?

I think he might even throw in a “For old time’s sake.”

Then Vargas throws him out.

Travis
I’m with Vargas on this one. Come back with a warrant jack-ass. Oh wait, you aren’t a cop. Well then we reserve the right to refuse service to anyone… and by anyone, we mean you Mr. Sad puppy-dog eyes.

So Dylan gets thrown out the back door and runs into the vamp that he saw running out of Kelly “The Dead Werewolf’s” hideout. Here is where we learn that Kelly had the MacGuffin and hid it and only Slake knows where it is! Slake is then killed by the uber-zombie thing.

Once again, as soon as you learn who is in charge of the uber-zombie you’ll be forced to question why it killed the only person that knew where the MacGuffin was, and why it was there in the first place.

Todd
And another in the long line of “Why didn’t the Uber Zombie just kill Dylan Dog?” Questions.

Don’t forget, when Dylan confronts Slake he has a callback to the “Use the cocking of the gun to escalate the threat” as he actually uses this technique on Slake.

Then he heads to the morgue, where his buddy is apparently now a zombie because he was killed by being bit by the Uber Zombie. The morgue, by the way, is run by two other unscrupulous zombies, that i believe are on the phone selling corpses to another guy we’ll meet later, but this isn’t telegraphed very well.

I'd hug you but I've used all my emotions slightly tilting my head.

I’d hug you but I’ve used all my emotions slightly tilting my head.


 

Travis
And all of the zombies have some form of pustules on their skin (except the brand new zombie) because I guess zombies aren’t really dead and their immune system still functions enough to create pustules.

Well Marcus awakens and hilarity ensues. I’m giving them the benefit of the doubt that this scene was supposed to be funny. I’ll give them this, the Marcus character had enough energy for 10 other characters in this film and I wouldn’t have minded instead watching the adventures of Marcus in “So I’m a Zombie: Now What?”

Todd
I want to watch The Accountant from Drive Angry (William Fichtner) trying to drag Zombie Marcus back to Hell. That might be the greatest movie ever made.

So, yeah, Marcus is missing an arm, for some reason (presumably the morgue guys sold it) so they go to a Body Shop to get him a new arm. Get it? A Body Shop?

Comedy!

Travis
Woo hoo, comedy. One of the things the zombies were mulling over buying was a head. Exactly what is the weakness of a zombie if losing a head doesn’t kill it?

When they go into the office to speak with Big Al, Al is apprehensive of Dylan because part of Dylan’s retirement was offing a bunch of vampires who he blamed for the death of his girl. Al even mentions his brain stem, as it implies the old trope of destroying the brain to stop a zombie.

If that is the case, then removing the head would kill a zombie (or maybe just make it a zombie head) in which case they can’t trade their head for a new one as it would put either an inert head on a zombie body or a completely different zombie head on your zombie body.

F*ck you scriptwriters!

Todd
I blame the director for that one. Even if the screenplay said something about heads the director should have been like, “No. That’s stupid.”
The biggest problem with this scene is the fact that between Dylan Dog and the guy that runs the body shop it’s really hard to tell which of them is the worse actor in the movie.

Travis
I’m not going to defend the director, but the sh*tting on the monster mythology goes past the zombie heads here.

I can’t even think of what Dylan learned from this guy? Where did we go next from here? What is the point of anything!
As an aside; the Wiki page for this movie barely talks about the movie, it’s mostly just Italian reviewers (The Source Material is Italian) bashing the film for being horrible.

Todd
The only thing I remember coming directly after this was the scene where they’re wandering through the grocery store with Marcus in a shopping cart and Marcus wakes up to discover he has a new arm, only he freaks out because it’s not his.

It’s a black guys arm, with tattoos and a wedding ring, and we’ve had at least three separate discussions both during the movie and after, on whether or not it’s the arm from the ghoul near the beginning of the movie.

On a side note I went looking around on the internet for a screenplay and couldn’t find one, so I went looking to see if I could watch it online somewhere legal, and Netflix refuses to even admit this movie exists. Not only is it not on they streaming, there’s not even a “Mark this movie so we can alert you when it comes out on DVD!” like they do with anything else they don’t have. They just straight up disowned it like it was Highlander 2, or something.

Why is it brown?!?

Why is it brown?!?


 

Travis
More Zombie BS at the grocery store. Bleach for your teeth, floor cleaner instead of soap, simple green for your eyes… and yet in a random scene later, he shoots Marcus to remind him that he is already a zombie.

F.U. errant writers.

If Marcus is a “dead is dead” zombie, then he will decay requiring all of this cleaning supply to cover up the fact that he is decaying, but it won’t halt the decay.

If he is a “living” zombie then there is some aspect of healing to being a zombie. This would be a requirement, by the way, for the ability to graft new body parts on.

They are using the Marcus condition as an attempt at comedy but it is all nonsense. You can’t call Marcus a zombie and be all flippant with the rules because we’ve had decades of zombie movies teaching us the rules.

Getting creative with zombies would be as stupid as sparkly vampires.

Todd
Touche.

I’m just going to go on instinct now because I’m really having trouble pinning down where the plot went from here, but I believe at this point Dylan goes to see some random old vampire friend of his to try to get some information.

Travis
Let’s not forget, before this happens they went back to Elizabeth’s house where they are ambushed by the lost vampire extras from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Dylan defeats them by shooting a magnesium flare as opposed to oh I don’t know, simply lighting the magnesium flare.

This flare gun really brings out my emotional side.

This flare gun really brings out my emotional side.


This wards off the Vampires because apparently it’s not the sun they dislike, it’s simply really bright lights.
This lead to the scene where they get away in his old VW bug, but it breaks down so they walk. After a scene cut it shows them driving back to his apartment/office in the car. So they walked around the block and in doing so it magically fixed the car?

He is leaving her there to go talk to his old vampire buddy but before they do there is a scene where there is tension that the two of them might hook-up… it sort of comes out of nowhere and that amazes me because I was expecting it to happen the whole film.

Dylan of course demurs because the pain of his lost love is still too great.

And we are off to see the old Vampire!

Todd
I’m going to point out some things here: The vampire he goes to see is 800 years old, makes some cliched comment about having known Dante (Dylan brings him a Dante book, for some reason) and he talks in a weird accent. This old vampire’s name is Borelli. As a side note, the ex-girlfriend of Dylan’s that he keeps hearkening back to was named Casandra.

Best tan I've ever seen on a vampire not counting George Hamilton.

Best tan I’ve ever seen on a vampire not counting George Hamilton.


I’m pointing this out because, if you look through the actual Dylan Dog Wiki entry for the comic, Dylan DOES have an ex-girlfriend whose death he can’t shake, very similar to Casandra’s death. Only his girlfriend’s name was Lily.

He also has an old vampire friend that he occasionally goes to for assistance; only that old vampire friend is named Professor Wells. Why change the names?

Also, Borelli is the one that tells him about the Heart of ??? and what it does. Only through this whole scene I was correcting my belief that it was the Heart of Vlad from earlier in the film, because Borelli (and his strange accent) was calling it the Heart of Beliard the whole time. And that’s not right either.

Travis
Dylan goes back to Elizabeth at the office, and now he’s totally cool with his old girlfriend being dead because he’s down for some sexy time now.

Sexy Time!

Sexy Time!


He also gives her the pendant that will protect her from vampires, which worked great for his last woman.

Then they are off to see Vargas again so that he can ask about something called Sclavi. Which it turns out is a “Sleeper”, which is a vampire that is “sleeping”, ala the council from the underworld movies. It is also the name of the Italian writer that created Dylan Dog the comic.

Brandon Routh is contractually obligated to do a shirtless scene in all movies. For the ladies.

Brandon Routh is contractually obligated to do a shirtless scene in all movies. For the ladies.


 

Todd
Right. This is the scene where Dylan opens the windows and then opens the door to Vargas’s bedroom to let the sun shine on him and burn him.

And despite being a badass vampire in bed with two (apparently) human chicks, it never occurs to him that he can a.) Jump off the bed and move to the side of the room where there’s no sunlight, or b.) snatch the covers off the human chicks to shield himself. Which would have given us at least some girls in underwear if nothing else.

Instead he just sits there and takes it in a scene very reminiscent of the Pearl scene in the original Blade.

Hiding under the blanket is how vampires and children escape bedroom monsters

Hiding under the blanket is how vampires and children escape bedroom monsters.


 

Travis
So armed with the name of the sleeper Dylan busts in on the sleepers secret “asleep for centuries” lair by blasting open the locks (Who has these keys?) and using some elder vampire blood of that clan (Where did he get it?) to go down and see some old dude in a horrible Dracula costume holding the heart.

Time out. He blew open the lock and needed special blood to get in. How the fuck did a werewolf and a not even a decade old vampire get in to hide it there in the first place?

Moving on…

When they exit the thing it is deep nighttime, apparently they stopped to take a nap or have sex again or something because it was midday when they went inside.

Vargas is outside and gives us his “I was the villain the whole time!” reveal that is a surprise to only Dylan, because everybody else knew that.

Todd
Hang on, there’s a scene where they get the heart that I wanted to mention. They go downstairs and find a bunch of vampires in glass cases that are just sitting there, er, sleeping I guess, and they find Sclavi, who’s like the second one in the hallway.

Couple of things: Dylan makes a point of reading the vampire writing, which looks like runic, or something, but there’s no point in this or even caring which one is Sclavi because, HE’S THE ONE HOLDING THE THING YOU’RE LOOKING FOR.

I wish we could find the vampire holding the cross we're looking for...wait.

I wish we could find the vampire holding the cross we’re looking for…wait.


 

Secondly, when he opens the glass doors he tries to get Marcus to grab it, telling him “We can get YOU new arms…” like the vampire might rip an arm off. But Marcus refuses, letting the imminently harmable human grab the heart. When Dylan does so the vampire opens it’s eyes, makes a weird noise, Marcus runs away, and then…nothing. The door just closes and the vampire goes back to sleep.

Marcus says, “What happened?” Dylan says, “I guess you’ll never know.” And my thought was, “I guess the audience won’t either.” Since I still don’t know what that was all about.

Travis
So now Elizabeth is taken prisoner while Dylan and Marcus are entombed. Once again, the villains fail to kill the good guy while they are at the villains mercy.

I've seen enough Bond movies to know that I should never kill my nemesis.

I’ve seen enough Bond movies to know that I should never kill my nemesis.


As a bonus while this is going on Vargas is also telling the story of how it was really him that killed Dylan’s girl and tricked Dylan into killing the council.

What a Twist!

After the sarcophagus lid is in place the screen is dark for almost 10 seconds. Kim who had been nodding out the whole time sits up and says, “Is it finally over? Thank god.” Just in time for Dylan to flick on his lighter to which she simply looks crestfallen and goes back to sleep.

 

Oh, we're just getting started.

Oh, we’re just getting started.

 

 

Todd
Yeah, Dylan Dog’s superpower seems to be that whenever he’s in a situation where somebody should kill him…they don’t.

Travis
Which is a common superpower for poorly written characters.

Todd
Of course, it’s ok because Marcus has SUPER ZOMBIE powers and can just dig them out.

Hooray! And he also eats a worm.

Disclaimer: At this point we forgot the progression of the scenes of the movie, so we’ve left the following in the order we wrote it, instead of cleaning it up because it really does convey just how muddled the script for this movie is. Read on at the risk of your own sanity.

Travis
We’ve skipped over the previous two scenes where Marcus refuses to eat vermin so it might not be worth mentioning now.

Also, exactly when and why do they go to the forbidden zone to look for the super zombie?

The forbidden zone is surprisingly rusted. And easy to get to.

The forbidden zone is surprisingly rusted. And easy to get to.


Todd
Yeah, we should have mentioned those, as one of them includes the zombie line cooks

Also, yeah…skipped the forbidden zone.

Who was it that told him about the forbidden zone?

It was the dude at the body shop, wasn’t it?

Travis
The zombie support group.

Todd
RIGHT!

I forgot about them completely

That had to be before this.

Travis
Which Marcus found because of the zombie line cooks.

Todd
So, at the grocery store, Marcus discovers that he can’t eat food anymore because…it makes his stomach make a weird noise?

Travis
Yeah but what was the purpose of the super zombie, I forget?

Todd
Dylan tries to get him to eat the worms from a dumpster behind the supermarket.

Which he says are disgusting, and he’s not hungry anymore

So they’re driving along, Dylan makes Marcus drive the girl somewhere while he does something…is that when he goes to see Borelli?

Travis
No, the diner happened during the day and the vampire was at night.

Todd
That wasn’t what I was thinking of, because Marcus might have been the next day. But I specifically remember the three of them in the car after the grocery store and they drive someplace and…who knows. We’re just going to have to power through the end of the movie, because just talking about Dylan Dog is sapping our will to give a sh*t.

Dylan goes to see Gabriel at some point who tells him about the Heart. He goes through the heart thing, he gets captured, Marcus digs him out, he goes to confront Vargas…and then sh*t goes from weird to terrible.

Hang on. I sense that you're about to muddy up the plot...

Hang on. I sense that you’re about to muddy up the plot…


 

Travis
After escaping from the tomb Dylan comments that Elizabeth wasn’t wearing her amulet of vampire protection ™ and wanted to be caught.

Did we mention there was a sub-plot of a monster hunter running loose? Because Elizabeth is totally that monster hunter.

Elizabeth, and her Father I imagine, are monster hunters and they wanted the heart because if you stick it into an undead that undead will become an unstoppable demon which they will use to wipe out all of the worlds supernaturals.

We then cut to a scene of Elizabeth pulling out some knives and kicking all of the vampires asses before taking Vargas prisoner. They were going to turn her into a vamp and summon the demon, but now she will use them to summon the demon.

What a twist!

Er.... where were you hiding those?

Er…. where were you hiding those?


 

Todd
Oh that demon.

This is clearly where all their money went, because he ends up looking like the Tim Curry character from Legend, only black instead of Red.

And Borelli mentioned to Dylan Dog earlier that the only way to kill the demon is to first kill the person controlling the demon, which is, of course, Dylan’s new girlfriend Elizabeth.

And once the demon comes to life, look out! Because he’s going to destroy every evil creature in the world, but he’s going to start with Dylan, for some reason, and just like every other character in this movie attempting to kill Dylan, the demon has absolutely no idea how to do it. So instead of biting him in half, breaking his neck, or goring him with his giant horns he proceeds to throw Dylan around the room for five minutes, chasing him down, picking him up and throwing him again.

Why can’t Dylan Dog be killed?

You're not Dylan Dog. YOU I can kill.

You’re not Dylan Dog. YOU I can kill.


 

Travis
Except that at one point the demon punches Dylan so hard he lands 40 feet away in the second row of the …. what, theater?

Wait a minute, why the hell are they at a theater… as in stage play amphitheater?

F*ck it, it’s Dylan Dog.

Anyway. Dylan goes flying 40 feet through the air from a punch landing hard on the seats. Shakes his head in a “Wow that punch sure cleaned my clock” sort of way.

A human hit that hard would be f*cking dead. Good thing this is Superman.

BTW, reading back i’m amazed at the amount of profanity this movie has elicited from me.

Todd
That’s more emotion than it elicited from Brandon Routh.

Dylan's grimace was added in post-processing...

Dylan’s grimace was added in post-processing…


 

So, anyway, the girl gets killed by Vampires, because Dylan forgot that he needed to kill her, then the demon gets killed by…wait, what killed the Vargas/Demon?

Travis
It realized what movie it was in and spontaneously combusted.

It was stated earlier that you must first kill the master, but in this scene it appears that killing the master killed the demon as it was displaying what I am sure was an FX budget busting light scar that mimic’d every hit Elizabeth took in her fight outside.

Also the human Dylan had effortlessly rammed a pipe through it’s massively bony chest plate and 2 feet of demon flesh earlier so maybe when Elizabeth died it lost its invulnerability and died to the previously inflicted wounds.

My personal guess is that God took pity on us and ended the movie.

Todd
Not quite yet, though, because we have the requisite scene of Dylan and Marcus walking away from all of this, with Dylan deciding he’s going to go back into the supernatural investigation business, and make Marcus his full partner.

Queue up the cash for the sequel, studios!

Or, you know. Don’t.

Travis
All right, let’s get through the good the bad and the ugly.

Start us off with the Good there Todd.

The Good
Todd
Marcus. He’s the only thing in the movie worth watching. He’s the only person who’s acting, and not “acting”, he has all the best lines, and he genuinely seems like somebody that deserves better than this script gave him.
Travis
I’m giving my good to the silvered brass knuckles he used to knock out Wolfgang. As lame as the werewolves are in this film that they can lose a fistfight to a human, I at least appreciate the attempt at style the weapon represented.
Todd
Ok, time for the bad. You wanna start off the bad, and we can switch off?

Seriously, any other movie...no, it's cool. I think I can just leave.

Seriously, any other movie…no, it’s cool. I think I can just leave.


The Bad
Travis
1. They don’t seem to know what a zombie is if head swapping is an option.
Todd
2. Brandon Routh’s lack of emotional range. It’s like he’s just woken up in every scene he’s in. Particularly the flashback where he’s killing the Vampire Capo’s of the Vampire mob, he just looks like he’s waiting in line to get his Egg McMuffin and he hasn’t had coffee yet, even though it’s supposed to be an emotional scene where he’s getting vengeance for his dead girlfriend.

Dylan shows fear.

Dylan shows fear.


 

Travis
3. Elizabeth: Her sudden but inevitable betrayal was so far out of left field that the reaction was less “Wow” and more “Well, that just happened”.

It would be like at the end of the 6th sense that instead of finding out Bruce Willis was dead, that he instead had a lazy eye an all of the adults were just to embarrassed to look at him.

Todd
4. The ridiculous Werewolf mask. I mean seriously. We’ve had movies with way lower budgets than this do a better job on werewolves.

Travis
5. The Vampires looking like extras from the Buffy the Vampire Slayer TV show. This wasn’t even an homage, they looked exactly alike.

We just wandered over from the Buffy reunion. What are you guys doing?

We just wandered over from the Buffy reunion. What are you guys doing?


 

Todd
6. The way they just completely sh*t on all kinds of monster mythology. Not just the vampires and their ridiculousness, or the zombies and their head switching. But that the one thing they added to the werewolf mythology was that werewolves like trees. Wtf?
That scene with him looking through the trees and finding werewolf hair was just ridiculous. Particularly because, as Renee pointed out, “That could have been hair from one of the neighborhood cats. Or a squirrel.”

Travis
7. The Giant WTF Zombie thing. We left this plot thread hanging because honestly, it went nowhere. So it seems that Elizabeth was controlling the zombie thing using Vampire blood delivered from a ghoul inhaler no less. Exactly like the one from Vargas’s club.
Why would a zombie care about vampire blood, why would it make it a super zombie, why would this enable Elizabeth to control it, and why would it have done all of the things it did and more importantly how did Elizabet know about all of these things in order to make the super zombie do them?

Todd
8. The plot itself just makes no sense. Whenever anything happens that progresses the plot along, some thing else happens later that completely negates what happened, making it seem ridiculous in hindsight.
Why did the zombie not kill Dylan? Or the vampire that found him at Mara’s apartment? Or Vargas (instead of burying him for no apparent reason)? Or the Demon (instead of throwing him around)? If the chick was a monster hunter how come she needed Dylan’s help in the first place? What did Dylan actually do for her, except become a monkey wrench into her original plan? I guess he got the object, but she spends so much of the movie just hanging around with him acting like she doesn’t know what’s going on that when you find out she’s actually intimately involved in the whole thing it makes no sense.

Travis
She used him as a the former Nightmare Investigator (his title from the comic) to find the heart. Even though her pet zombie seemed to be in the way at half a dozen turns.

BTW, we noticed that his home/office was on Rue Craven in New Orleans and his comic origin did in fact live on Craven Road in London, and it is an homage to Wes Craven.

Todd
Indeed. It’s weird how sometimes they picked something random out of the comic to do an homage to, and yet, as was pointed out earlier, they took some of the same characters and just randomly changed the names. I don’t get it.

Ready for the Ugly?

The Ugly
Travis
I’ll kick it off with the just extreme lack of give a sh*t this entire film exudes. This is the Wikipedia entry for “Filmmaking by numbers”

Todd
I think my Ugly is going to go to the sad fans of this, apparently pretty decent comic book, since their universe just got sh*t on in the most uninspired movie possible, and probably ruined their chances of seeing a decent film version of these characters.

Travis
Such is the sad story of every poor adaptation.

Todd
Well, that’s Dylan Dog: Dead of Night.

Travis
We watched it, so now you don’t have to.

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