Drive Angry


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Shot in 3D. For reasons.

Shot in 3D. For reasons.


This is where we (Todd and Travis) watch bad movies, so you don’t have to. Well, to be fair, they’re not necessarily bad, just interesting.

So, without further ado, here’s our review of DRIVE ANGRY.

Todd Welcome to Drive Angry, ladies and gentlemen. The conclusion of our Nic Cage-athon, for which, this will be the first movie we’ve ever reviewed. The plot of this movie is basically that Nic Cage has escaped from hell to rescue his grand daughter from Satanists who want to sacrifice her. I don’t want to go into too much before hand, so let’s just jump in.

Our movie opens in media res with a car chase, where Nic Cage is chasing three hillbillies in a pickup truck. Wait, is that where it started, or was he driving out of hell in the credits sequence before that?

Travis Actually we learn later from the credits that he is chasing three f*ckers in a pick-up truck. And he was indeed driving out of hell before this, but he was not yet driving angry.

The f*cker-trucker chase was taking place in Laughter Colorado, which according to google maps tragically does not exist.

Todd And as you pointed out at the time, you can’t spell “slaughter” without “laughter”. So, Nic runs these three guys down and then proceeds to do horrible things to them. He shoots one in the knee, shoots one’s hand off, and just generally makes their lives miserable for a few seconds while constantly asking “Where is she?” and if you didn’t know the plot before the movie started, it seems like this dialog is totally out of place. We have no idea who he’s looking for based on the script at this point. Eventually one of them tells him where “she” is, which is some place in Stillwater Marsh, and then Nic does something sort of awesome, which is he robs the guy. Just flat out takes the cash out of the guys wallet, which for some reason struck me as really funny.

Travis Highly practical and resonates with other man-out-of-place classics like Star Trek IV. As with 24th century Starfleet, Hell has seemed to have no need for money.

“You tell’em, I’m coming”… when he said this line I saw Kurt Russell in tomestone delivering the same “You tell’em I’m coming, and hell’s coming with me” But since Nic recently returned from the same, the hell is unnecessary which leaves the line sort of hanging.

This starts off Drive Angry’s homage to other greater films, a trend that will continue.

Todd This movies is filled with homages. You’ll have to remember all of them, because I didn’t notice most until you pointed them out. For now though we move to Fat Lou’s Roadside Diner, run by Fat Lou and two waitresses who are better looking than you’d expect in Fat Lou’s Roadside Diner. One of them, Piper (played by Amber Heard) is telling the other one how she’s cut off her boyfriend from sex so that he’ll agree to marry her. Which sounds mean, if you ask me, but she’s making no bones about it, until she gets her ring he’s not getting into her pants. At this point a random hungry family and Nic Cage show up. Nic orders coffee while staring at Amber Heard, which is completely understandable. And if I recall correctly at this point you were convinced that Amber Heard was the “she” he was looking for?

This is in fact the woman I'm looking for.

This is in fact the woman I’m looking for.


Travis Except that she then declares that her boyfriend did propose to her, but couldn’t afford a ring yet; which at this point I infer that she is then back to having sex with her now fiancé. This seems counter-productive to a later scene where her withholding would be important; Amber Heard’s character is not a complete idiot, but she has an obvious blind spot in her quest for marriage. Though I do feel this conversation is valuable in setting her up as a forthright lady willing to make horrible decisions if they support her end goals.

It may have been knowledge from the trailers, but I knew going in that he was on the trail for his granddaughter and I thought Amber Heard was such. Which threw the chronology of events in my head through a loop. Not to keep our readers in suspense, Amber Heard is not the granddaughter but is still important to the overall “Plan”.

Todd But important to the plan in what I consider a very bizarre way. The other waitress shamelessly hits on Nic Cage…

Travis And hits on Nic Cage hard. I realize you live in “Wherever the hell you are” Colorado but picking up Nic Cage will never be the best option you have at this point lady.

Todd Piper gives the hungry family free food, which pisses off Fat Lou, and she quits on the spot, bailing on the diner and jumping into her awesome 67 GTO to peel out into the street, where she discovers that her car has a problem and it dies just down the road from the diner.

Then Nic Cage appears out of nowhere to fix it in exchange for a ride, which he gets. Piper drops him off and then heads to her apartment to find her faithful boyfriend (screenwriter Todd Farmer) is banging some chick that she apparently knows. She drags the naked chick out in the street to fight with her and here I’m confused. Why wouldn’t she be madder at her boyfriend than the random skank he’s banging? And yeah, her plan to withhold sex is not going so well, but the boyfriend blames her for not putting out, which is why he’s cheating on her, but as you pointed out earlier she’s apparently already set to jump back in the sack with him. And it’s only been two days! How much of a jackass is this guy?

Travis Nic knew the car belonged to Piper, confirmed as such with the other waitress during the their awkward conversation, so when the car eventually breaks down it is no stretch of the imagination that Nic caused the break down. But the problem is that Nic is in the parking lot watching Piper burn rubber away from the diner and when the car breaks down is there immediately. If Nic Cage is this fast, why bother with cars. As a bonus during the peal out of the parking lot we get a close up on the license plate “DRVAGRY” meaning that the title was not a Suggestion nor is it even a description of Nic Cage in hot pursuit. Our protagonists are literally driving angry.

A true fan of the movie.

A true fan of the movie.

 

 

Piper going for the chick is appropriate for 2 reasons: First the cheated on party always goes after their counterpart first, this is an instinctual challenge to ones own position thing. Second and most importantly, catfight between Amber Heard and a naked chick.

Todd I’ll grant you Amber Heard catfight, but the boyfriend just seems to get off so lightly. She’s basically just 100% focused on the other naked chick. Though the entire scene does lead to one of my favorite random lines of the movie, which is the boyfriend asking her where she’s going and she says:

Piper: Florida.
Frank: Florida? You won’t find a man better than me in Florida! Texas, maybe…

For some reason that made me proud to be a Texan. At some point she does turn her anger on the boyfriend and the two of them get into it, and then of course lightning fast Nic Cage shows up again, kicks the boyfriend in the face and then he and Piper take the car and drive off, presumably towards Stillwater Marsh. Now, at this point, Nic doesn’t know where Stillwater Marsh is yet, but Piper tells him she knows because it’s a prison in Louisiana where her father was incarcerated. So she’s moving the plot along at least, as well as providing us ample eye candy in her cut off jean shorts and is now the proud owner of a 67 GTO which she and Nic Cage just basically jacked from her boyfriend who after the face kick calls the cops, and we’re about to meet the best character in the entire movie…

Travis I came away from this scene wondering what Nic’s plan was if Piper goes home and has a nice evening dinner with her loving boyfriend and they talk about career prospects and their plans for the future. Does it still involve face kicking, grand theft auto and kidnapping?

Todd Maybe he just steals the car? It’s a good point, his plan to take Piper with him to Stillwater Marsh hinges on her boyfriend cheating on her and her not doing something incredibly dumb like saying, “But I really want to marry you so let’s work it out!” By the way, when it comes to light WHY he chose her, it makes all the rest of this make even less sense, but we’ll get to that later. But as I said before, we’re now at the point where this movie’s greatest character arrives on the scene, and it is: William Fichtner as, the Accountant. Basically he’s the guy Hell has sent to drag Ghost Rider Nic Cage back to the fiery pits. He shows up in a nice suit, smiling the whole time, at the Diner where he convinces Lou and Norma Jean (the other waitress) to tell him if they’ve seen Nic Cage. He’s just basically brilliant in every scene he’s in, and his delivery is so awesomely deadpan and humorous that I spent most of the movie wishing we could just watch this guy work.

Travis Except he is always sniffing the air, as if tracking Nic like a dog. On one hand, it makes no sense for his character, the dapper Accountant administrator of the Hellish population. On the other hand, he is standing in for a literal hell hound tracking a damned soul to be drug back to the fiery pits. Expecting a person going to see a Nic Cage vehicle called “Drive Angry in 3D” to make that connection seems a bit far fetched, and the constant sniffing detracts from his character other than to give pause to his speech. At one point it even causes direct disconnect by smelling Nic Cage in a place that he hasn’t actually been to.

And I’m done, everything William Fichtner does from this point forward is the best part of whatever scene he is in.

Todd Yes! That scene’s coming up, and I’ll remind you when it does, when he does the sniffing thing in a room Cage was never in. Meanwhile, Cage and Piper are driving through, I guess, Colorado, and stop at a bar called the Bull by the Balls, where Cage apparently used to sleep with the owner’s wife when he drove through there as a truck driver or something? That’s what it says in the script, but I can’t remember if that’s what actually happened in the movie. Either way the owner is unhappy to see him, and Piper immediately runs off with a bus boy to get laid. Also, this scene does one of those things that drive me crazy in movies where both Nic and Piper order “A beer.” Without saying what kind of beer they want, and the waitress just goes with it. I guess maybe she went to get the most expensive beer they sell because they didn’t specify.

Nic gets hit on again by yet another waitress in a state where Nic Cage is inexplicably attractive to waitresses, and now Nic and Piper are both getting lucky. Oh, and also the Bull by the Balls bar is attached to a motel of some kind. I guess. That part confused me as well.

Travis The part about the wife was left out of the movie. Just the exchange of “Hey”, “I heard you were gone (dead)”… continuing their policy of ripping off better movies I couldn’t tell if they were riffing Escape From New York or Big Jake.

Even though Nic is pushing 50 and this is Bull by the Balls Bar/Motel in nowhere ColaradOklahoma the waitress cards them so we get to see Nic Cages horribly outdated driver’s license; you know in case you were getting popcorn at the beginning and missed the fact that Nic just escape from hell. Piper does use this scene later, in a helpful flashback, to finally figure out that the guy that got lung shot and later regrew and eye with the power of bandana isn’t quite all that he seems. Unfortunately his hellish constitution couldn’t help him with that hairline.
Todd Oh, God, the power of bandana cracked me up. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves too much, though. We head to Piper’s motel room to find, utterly disappointing, by the way, a fully dressed Piper having her toenails painted by the busboy. Also, somewhere in here we meet the bad guy, Billy Burke, famous for being the dad from Twilight, as an awesome Jim Jones style satanic cult leader, complete with awesome maroon, crushed velvet, smoking jacket. He has a bunch of his followers with him and asks the manager if they can handle private parties, cause he’s throwing one tonight!

Travis
Burke does seem to hit the entire evil mastermind checklist.
• Snappy Dresser

img_driveangry_05

• Henchmen
• A Plan
• Willing to go mix it up himself provided his opponent is restrained, injured, depleted from fighting said henchmen or is a woman.
• Good public speaker
• Owns his own Winnebago

img_driveangry_06

Todd Right. So, Piper’s getting her nails done when she sees a guy outside her window that was a guy she saw earlier in the diner, I believe. So she sneaks out and over to the diner section of the diner/motel, and hides while she watches Billy Burke explain to his henchmen that they have to kill Nic Cage. Though, to be honest, I’m not sure why they’re bothering. Also, TROPE ALERT: Every television we’ve seen for the past twenty minutes of movie time is showing Billy Burke and talking about the kidnapped baby.

Travis I’m going to give the trope a pass, as every time a white baby is kidnapped it is national news for the next week.
Also Burke needs some new followers as exactly 1 of them has a gun. We have knives, hammers, a sickle and an honest to god cattle prod. But the eclectic armament choices really pay off as we dive into one of the greatest homages this movie has delivered yet. The gunfight while having sex, to try and convey this, try to imagine Clive Owen and Monica Bellucci in a gunfight mid romp from Shoot’em Up, but replace that scene with a fully clothed Nic “I never disrobe before a gunfight” Cage and our unfortunate waitress who discovers why sleeping with Nic Cage is a bad idea. I’ll give Nic exactly this much credit, after vanquishing most of the bad guys he does attempt to shield Candy from the final attackers coup-de-grace; or maybe he just has a horrible case of the post coitus comas. Either way he is saved at the last second by Piper and her appropriately selected garden hoe.

img_driveangry_07

Just another day for Nic Cage…


Todd Yeah, Bill Burke has a team of the least well equipped cultists on the planet, that’s for sure. I like how the guy with the cattle prod looks like he doesn’t belong with them. Like he brought all the cultists in and there was one cowboy guy standing there who was just like “Hell yeah!” and went to his truck and got his cattle prod, and joined in. They bust into Nic Cage’s room and he totally shoots them all except the last one, that Piper kills with a hoe she took from the wall of the diner.

I had forgotten Nic had a pistol in hand, dual wielding a bottle with stogie in mouth and a dick in the hole during the motel shootout.
Outside the motel, as Nic and Piper are escaping the Accountant shows up with two cops in tow from earlier in the movie, and we glossed over that, but there’s a great scene where the Accountant goes and sees Piper’s horrible ex-boyfriend, and basically nails him to a wall and kills him. There’s a great line where he asks the boyfriend about the car, and the guy’s like “It’s a 67 GTO.” And the accountant asks, “The 444, or the Hemi?” While the guy’s hanging from the wall, and he’s just so casual about it. Great moment.

But back to the motel/diner, the Accountant has roped some cops into coming with him to catch Nic Cage by convincing them with a magic coin he has that he’s an FBI agent (the coin magically turns into an FBI badge, for some reason) and Nic and Piper just straight up kill the cops while the Accountant wanders around a different part of the motel/diner.

I'll even show you the coin right before I turn it into a badge.

I’ll even show you the coin right before I turn it into a badge.

 

Respect the badge gentlemen.

Respect the badge gentlemen.


ALSO! That was the scene where the accountant did the sniffing thing, in the boyfriends apartment, where Nic Cage never was, but the accountant acts like he can smell him. It totally throws the scene off for a second, but William Fichtner’s so awesome that I just let it slide.

Travis So Nic and Piper take off in the bitchen GTO no more than 20 minutes after Burke has left and it takes them a suspiciously long time to catch up to the Winnebago. Todd should have gotten the Hemi. But before they can catch up the Accountant rolls up on them and I just love the look on his face. Here is a man that really enjoys his job.

Todd He’s having a blast, isn’t he? And this is where Nic Cage takes out the Godkiller gun and takes a shot at him. The look on his face when he realizes Nic has the Godkiller is also great, because for the first time you see him unsure of what’s going on. He’s been cool and collected so far and now he has a moment of “holy sh*t!”. It doesn’t last long, the bullet grazes him, and gives him a scar that sticks around for the rest of the movie, and Nic and Piper keep on trucking.

Travis An important part of that exchange is the accountant crashes, leaving our heroes to continue their pursuit. Two kids wander across the crashed car as the Accountant is crawling out, this was actually the first time I noticed the constant string of homages and I had to go back to find the earlier ones as the accountant looks at them saying “I’ll see you when you’re seventy”… a line lifted straight from Bill and Teds Bogus Journey as Death is walking through the store. Being the B&T:BJ fan that I am, these things pop out at you.

The only time the accountant flinched. A bullet from the Godslayer.

The only time the accountant flinched. A bullet from the Godslayer.


Todd He tells the other kid “I’ll see you in six months.” Which reminded me of Homer in the Simpson’s talking to God in one episode and asking about something like the secret of life or something and God says, “You’ll have to wait.” And Homer says, “But I can’t! I want to know now!” And God says, “You can’t wait six months?” Always kills me.

So, now Piper and Nic roll up on an old timey Baptist church with a Winnebago out front, and Nic goes in heavy to confront the cultists, who are all hanging out praying, until Bill Burke comes out of the back then they all pull out guns. There’s some awesome ridiculous looking cultists in there too. Particularly “Business Woman” and “Toupee Guy”.

Travis Having learned their lesson from before, the henchmen do have guns this time. Or maybe since we’ve advanced from the video game level “Shoot-out at the hotel” to the “Spooky Church” the minions have all been upgraded. Hard to say what logic they use to make these decisions. Nic finally gets to confront Billy Burke and damand the return of his grandchild.

Now we get our expository flashback that has been promised to us for a while. In it Burke busts in on Nic’s daughter and her husband and in what I always consider to be the worst move of any potential rapist, attempts to get her to fellate him. Mad props to her for biting his junk off, which earns her a slit throat which was probably coming anyway. Here is the thing all of you potential sociopaths; Burke may have gotten the last word, but no one would ever consider it a victory.

Todd Yes, that’s not what even Charlie Sheen would consider “winning”. Nic, in an uncharacteristically bizarre turn of events, simply demands that Burke give him the baby. He’s surrounded by 10 or 15 people pointing guns at him, and he’s just like “Give me the baby.”

Was this really his plan all along? Because considering everything else he’s been through, and the reveal coming up at the end involving Piper, this course of action seems considerably stupid. And reminds me of another thing that I’ll get to in a minute. But first, did Nic really think they’d just hand the baby over?

And the other thing was, is it ever explained why they need THIS PARTICULAR baby? Or is Burke just mad about his junk getting bitten off and that’s why he wants to sacrifice it?

But yeah, the plan falls apart immediately and Burke shoots Nic in the eye, dropping him like a sack of potatoes and then the cultists snatch up Piper and shove her in the Winnebago. They drive off, and inexplicably, leave three or four people behind, including toupee guy. Also, there’s a cultist chick whose only job appears to be “hold the baby.”

Travis I had wondered about the baby thing. It was just arrogance on Burke’s part as far as I can tell. Let’s say he just up and murdered Nic’s daughter; would Nic have broken out of Hell to avenge, or is he only able to intervene since there is an innocent at stake? Oh wait, this is Nic Cage in Drive Angry 3D… breaking out of Hell was inevitable as only Nic’s stilted dialog could save the day.

Continuing our trend of the inexplicable. Why does Burke leave people behind to clean up a church in the middle of nowhere, when he was more than willing to leave a dozen bodies at a busy motel? Why does he take Piper hostage, his womanizing days were put to an end by Nic’s daughter. Why is Burke not surprised to see Nic, when he knows that he is dead… that last one is as silly as a sea troll in a cave in the middle of the desert not being surprised to see an amphibious bear.

Well Nic and his impossibly small wound from a close range large caliber pistol pop up and get his kill on. Leaving Toupee Man alive as the toupee is immortal, all hail the toupee.

Todd So much of Burke’s plan is inexplicable, and is clearly just “drive the plot” related as opposed to “actual plot” related. My favorite part is the Accountant showing up and messing with toupee guy, jabbing him in his wounded leg to get him to talk. Fichtener is again, ultra cool in this scene. I especially like that he doesn’t seem to know why Nic and Burke have a hate on for each other and he gets the guy to tell him by jabbing him in his bullet wound and smiling while he does so.

Meanwhile Nic (one eyed after being shot by Burke) gets up, kills more cultists, gets back in his car, and gives chase to the Winnebago now carrying Piper and the baby. Why didn’t the cultists steal Nic’s car? It’s an awesome car!

We get another ridiculous driving scene, where once again, no one seems to be driving angry. Piper beats the crap out of a couple of the cultists while Burke watches bemused, and then Burke decides he’s going to kill Piper, but Nic does some miraculous driving and ends up saving the day again.

Travis Let’s not forget Piper’s escape from the Winnebago by jumping out of the back window onto the hood of Nic’s car from quite a few action movies, but I’ll give the homage to Lethal Weapon 3.

But in the end Nic’s car is all shot up and can’t continue, Burke is getting away in the Winnebago. For the first time in the entire movie someone has a sensible thought, “Hey, we can’t leave this care on the side of the road… it’s full of bullet holes and you (Piper) are wanted for murder of two Colorado cops in an Oklahoma hotel”… except absolutely nobody saw Piper in the car at the motel, she never checked into the motel (she was with the bus boy) and she didn’t leave behind the gun that killed the cops… you know, the cops that nobody had any idea why they were in the wrong state. Oh wait, absofuckinglutely nobody knows that Piper or that car was involved. The only report the waitress can give is a bunch of crazies broke in on her sexy time and she was saved by Nic Cage, she was stunned from the cattle prod by the time Piper arrives.

All of that aside, not leaving the care on the side of the road is the right decision if for no other reason it is full of bullet holes and belongs to a dead guy in Colorado.

So naturally we cut to the next scene where Piper and Nic are pushing the car for what he have to assume by the lighting change to be hours.

It was at this point that my brain gave up for everyone keeping score at home.

Todd It was truly ridiculous. Up to this point Nic Cage has been involved in gun battles in a bar/motel, a church, and several highway shootouts, he’s wrecked at least 3 other cars, he’s left a trail of corpses from Colorado to Oklahoma, and now he’s like “We need to push this car off the road in case someone sees it.” Um…what?

Then, for no apparent reason a tow truck shows up. Maybe somebody driving by saw them and called them a tow truck? Which just leads to further proof that this is a bad idea, because now, for the first time, they’re hanging out in one place long enough for a.) cops, or b.) the accountant to show up. But actually, as usual, we go with option c.) A tow truck driven by someone else Nic Cage knows. This time it’s David Morse, who’s apparently an old buddy of Nic’s who is the nicest and most helpful human being in the universe. Also, yet another person only vaguely concerned that Nic Cage is alive, since he was at Nic’s funeral. They live in a universe where it’s just not that surprising to see dead people, I guess. Bruce Willis would fit in well around here.

Travis You are forgetting the conversation about “Use that mobile phone thing, I know another buddy around here”. Which like the guy at the bar, is also odd that not only does he know a tow truck driver way the hell out here, but that the guy is still there after all of these years and has the same phone number.

And yeah, they were old buddies from back in their ill-spent youth.

I Loved You In "The Rock"

I Loved You In “The Rock”


But before he shows up we are introduced to the power of Bandana. I would point out that at this point, Piper still hasn’t figured out that Nic isn’t all that human. This is important for the reveal at the end of the movie.

Todd I totally missed that. I thought David Morse just drove up. It wouldn’t have been out of character for this movie, you have to admit.
Yeah, the power of bandana. She wraps the bandana around Nic’s missing eye, and a few hours later he takes the bandana off and boom! His eye’s back. She does freak out about this a little.

Bandanna! The cure for what ails you.

Bandanna! The cure for what ails you.


David Morse fills Piper in on the backstory of Nic and David Morse, and then he randomly supplies them with a nice car to continue their journey. What kills me about that scene is that he reveals he has 2 cars, actually, then he says he’s gonna go with them, then Nic has a private conversation with him, then he’s not going with them, and then Piper and Nic take off without him. So there.

Travis This is also the point in the movie where they are no longer driving angry. Since the title I have to think was taken from the license plate of pipers car, and they are no longer in that car.

So off we go into Smokey and the Bandit territory as they are on a southern road now being pursued by southern cops who should by this point should have no damn clue as to where Nic and Piper are, and yet are simultaneously chasing them and have a full on roadblock set-up.

I do like the chiefs speech about “When I tell you to aim for the tires, I mean aim for their heads. Now please gentlemen, aim for their tires”.
And the trap is sprung, Burt and Sally are in a pickle and out of nowhere… literally, the accountant as far as we know is behind them… up ahead around the bend comes The Accountant doing his best Cledus impersonation in a big rig and blows apart the roadblock allowing Smokey, I mean Nic to get a move on.

After trashing the roadblock, while amazingly killing no-one he once again flips the coin, pulling out the FBI badge and all the cops are like…”Well golly, I guess we just have to let this one go”.

All hail the power of the badge.

All hail the power of the badge.


Todd The accountant just pretty much gets to do whatever he wants. And yeah, the fact that he tells the cops to basically let it go and they all just go, “Ok.” Except the sheriff, played by the inimitable Tom Atkins (of Halloween III: Season of the Witch fame) who’s like “There’s no f*cking way!” but then we cut back to Nic and Piper driving and we never really see these cops again or find out what happened to them.

Nic and Piper make their way to Stillwater Marsh prison, or wherever the hell they were going, and of course Burke has all his cultists who are enjoying a big orgiastic party, though no one’s naked or having sex, that I can tell; actually there may be a couple of naked people in there, but there are so many fully clothed people standing around drinking out of plastic cups that it looks less like a Satanic orgy, and more like a lame high school bonfire party.

This Doesn't Even Qualify as a Frat Party

This Doesn’t Even Qualify as a Frat Party


Nic tells Piper to stay there while he goes off to see how many people are down there, and when he comes back the Accountant has Piper held hostage.

Travis But not held hostage next to the car. So either the accountant nabbed her and pulled her into the tunnel, or she wandered off. Based on examples of her decision making skills earlier, I’m going with wandered off to investigate the strange sound from the dark pipe near the satanic prison.

Todd Where she found William Fichtener, yeah, I can see that happening.

Nic threatens The Accountant with the God Killer, which he admits to the Accountant that he simply walked in and took while he was leaving. The Accountant tells him that he wouldn’t be there without him, and he wants Nic to say thanks. Nic tries to convince the Accountant to help him, and the Accountant tells him, nah, just do what you do, I win either way. Then Nic goes down to fight the cultists.

It's called "The God Killer" and there is but one true god. So why does it have 5 barrels?

Which God did it kill to get that name?


At some point a couple of cultists show up to mess with the Accountant and he gets to have some fun with them. He lets Piper go help Nic, and we’re in the final scenes of the movie now, with Cage driving through the cult party, shooting cultists, and having a good old time.

Travis Let’s not get too far ahead; first we get to find out about the accountants change of heart. It seems the Devil is just some dude in charge of Hell, which is gods prison for bad people. The Devil isn’t really a bad dude, just has a bad rap and doesn’t particularly like having infants sacrificed in his name. So now we are left to wonder, if the common perception of the Devil is wrong, then will sacrificing the baby actually accomplish anything? If not, then the menace of Burke has been lowered from Armageddon begetter to child killer. Quite a step down.

And let’s not forget, this is the homage movie. So Nic cage doesn’t burst in with the car, he goes all Army of Darkness mowing down the cultists in the courtyard, rampage like.

Todd Fair enough. I also like that at some point Piper says, “They’ve found a way to bring part of Hell to earth, haven’t they?” And the Accountant’s response to that is to look at Nic Cage and say, “You didn’t tell her?” And Nic responds to that with, “She doesn’t listen.” I love this dialog tree because it in no way answers the question, tells us what the hell is going on, or moves the plot along at all. It’s just dialog for the sake of dialog, which I can appreciate. We should have done a running tally of all the movies they homaged as we wrote this, because at this point we’re up to like at least five, and I’m drawn to the MST3K comment one of the robots made while watching a movie where someone in the movie was watching “Casablanca” and that comment was, “Don’t show a better movie in the middle of your bad movie.”

Travis Well, the minions are dead.. Nic finally faces off with Burke and seeing as this is a battle between an Immortal Man from hell and a snazzy dresser, the conclusion is pretty easy to figure. I do have to wonder though why shooting someone with the God Killer looks like the fireworks display from the gay pride parade. Thankfully though, a part of Pastor Bill’s skull was left behind for Nic to drink a beer (curtosy of the satanic kegger) out of, which he promised in a forgettable line earlier though at the time I did think it was oddly specific if not noteworthy.

And now our big reveal. The reason Nic chose Piper was to take care of his granddaughter as he now must return to hell.

I’ll wait as you go back through and chronicle all of the horrible decisions Piper has made up to this point.

Yes, this is the woman he wants taking care of his family. Looks like Nic can make bad decisions too.

Todd Yeah, let’s see: She’s dating a guy who’s cheating on her, who she tricked into agreeing to marry her by withholding sex; she stole his car; she’s on her way to Florida for some reason (I’m counting that as a bad thing); she hooks up with the first cute busboy she sees the day she and her boyfriend break up; she kills a cop for a guy she barely knows that she picked up hitchhiking, basically; she’s broken numerous driving laws while helping a guy who’s already told her he’s an ex-con escaped from prison for murder; she’s killed or beaten up a couple of other people (cultists, but still)…there’s probably more. But yeah, this is the chick Nic Cage looks at at the beginning of the movie and goes, “When I go back to Hell and someone has to take care of my granddaughter, THIS is the person I want doing it.”

He then basically manipulates her into taking care of the baby while pretending to die. So, good work all around. After she takes the baby and leaves Nic gets up, has his skull beer and asks the Accountant if she bought it.

Also, during the climactic battle there’s another great Accountant moment where he takes the baby from the cultist whose only job is holding the baby, and asks her if she would have let Burke kill the child. She doesn’t answer and the Accountant says, “That’s what I thought. I’ll see you soon.” Which, I think implies that she would have let Burke kill the baby and she’s going to end up in Hell, but that wasn’t the read I got from the actress playing the part. I totally thought she was going to be the lynchpin in the plan going off the rails because she’d been taking care of the baby so long she had fallen in love with it.

That might have even been a more interesting ending, if she’d ended up raising the baby and Piper had some other part to play in the whole thing, but there you have it.

Nic and the Accountant ride off into the sunset….er, back to Hell, and all is right with the world.

Any final thoughts before we play “The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly”? Which is what I’ve decided to homage our final thoughts as.

Travis Drive Angry 3D, despite all we have said here is actually an enjoyable movie. Nic Cage Nic-Cages his way through the script but everyone else really pulled this off.

The Good

Todd William Fichtner is kind of awesome. I would watch a series of movies about the Accountant just going out and dragging people back to Hell. I think they should use this as a vehicle to give forgotten actors something to do. Like I’d watch him drag Richard Grieco, Billy Zane, and Daphne Zuniga back to Hell after they escaped in a series of movies.

What else? I guess Amber Heard is pretty hot.

Travis The 3D cheese effects work really well in a 2D format. And the movie while not always coherent, the “plot” never stalled.

Todd That’s a good point. It does keep moving forward, sometimes to its own detriment.

The Bad

Todd Nic Cage’s hair, I guess. And maybe the weird sniffing thing the Accountant did at odd intervals of the movie.

Travis The Godslayer. For all the buildup, when it is finally used the effect is both over and underwhelming at the same time.

The Ugly

Todd I don’t know what to say here beyond the plot holes. I was disappointed by how the only reason for using Nic Cage’s granddaughter was the “I’m just really annoyed at your family for problems I caused myself” and not something more supernaturally.

Travis Or that there ultimately is no threat of hell on earth as it just doesn’t really work that way. It would be like Indiana Jones fighting all those Nazi’s because they were trying to use his pudding cup to build a hamster cage.

Todd OK, that wraps up Drive Angry. Join us next time for…well, whatever “interesting” movie we watch on Wednesday Night.

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